whatever & stuff

14 things I learned in New York this weekend and 6 things I already knew

2012-01-30T14:30:00.001-05:00

1. SCBWI is a really hard name to say or spell or explain. And it’s really long, too. But it’s something one just learns to accept.

2. When attending a weekend conference, one does not have enough time to explore.

3. I don’t feel bad when ice skating in Rockefeller center my arms whip up and back as I fall, poking a girl in the eye. It is obviously a service on the sly since it allows her to milk it for all its worth as she and her beau and stand in the middle of the ice with people gliding around and round as they have a romantic moment, twinkle lights and flags of the world and sky scrapers encircling them on the starry night.

4. It’s worth it to be spontaneous.

5. It is worth it to treat yourself to a good breakfast.

6. Having a horrible sense of direction in a city equals lots of exercise. (Wear shoes that fit, Britt.)

7. I feel no guilt when it comes to taking advantage of having bakeries at every corner. (Especially coupled with my aforementioned sense of direction.)

8. I didn’t get the stomach bug after taking care of puking kids all week = miracles are still happening in the world.

9. Less is more when it comes to carrying stuff around in the city.

10. Sometimes you need to do something just because it sounds like a good idea.

11. I do feel bad when I’m running for a bus in China town on what happens to be the Chinese new year and my suitcase runs over a mom’s toe and as she stops to rub her toe with one hand and holds her child’s hand with the other, all I can do is turn and say, “I’m sorry!!” wishing I new how to say it in Chinese then turn back to keep on running.

12. My 12 year old is a great babysitter.

13. People can be really inspiring. (Well, I already knew that.)

14. When I stop and look straight up to the top of a building, the clouds move so fast compared to the grounded and still building and it makes me dizzy. Almost dizzy enough to fall over right in front of the speeding taxis and the carts full of warm, sweet nuts.

6 things I re-learned upon my arrival home

1. I love my family. Love and adore.

2. I need a new mattress. Badly.

3. I’m really allergic to cats.

4. I love books.

5. Having great girlfriends is so important! Thanks, Kirsti, for such a great weekend.

6. I am really thankful for a patient and supportive husband who happens to be a great dad, too. Thanks for knowing what I need and giving it to me, babe.

you turned three!

2012-01-23T11:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Ones,

You are precious. I cried like 20 times today because you are driving me insane. But I still think you are precious, and I’m going to focus on that right now, and nothing else because I want to live a long and healthy life, not one in the loony bin. I’m going to focus on that because I want to feel love and joy and happiness and have lots of the good stuff in my memory bank.

Eden, you tell me that you love me about 78 times a day. You say it when you are happy and when you are sad. You say it when you are tired or when you have to go to the bathroom. But I don’t mind. Every time you say, “Mommy. I love you,” I say it right back. Because I do.

Last week at church I told you how the primary children were singing about Adam, the prophet, and how he lived in the Garden of Eden with Eve. Later you were so excited to tell your big brother and sisters! You said, “Adam and Eve and and and they lived…in the Garden…of ME!!!” I can’t stand your cuteness, you’re killing me.

You are so clever. Such a smart girl. And you love it when I have you repeat that; you say it with such joy and enthusiasm, you look as if you might burst: “I am smaaaart. I am beautiful. I am impoe-tant. I am looooooved. I am kind. I am divine…” You have really started to belt out the songs. You love music and sing constantly. You have quite a repertoire of songs stashed in that noggin. When you catch glimpse of yourself in the rear-view mirror of the car, you say, “Look, I have loooong hair.” It’s quite an accomplishment. When your sister gets shy meeting new people, you always smile and introduce her by her full, formal name.

My Jane-y Pot Pie. You have taken to nuzzling lately. You made up your own perfect word to go with it. You work your way into my body and say, “mommy, you so comfity.” As in comfort-y. It’s the sweetest thing.

You are thoughtful and sensitive and girly. You want to look pretty every day, and by pretty I mean that you want to wear a dress so you can dance. (Imagine dancing without a dress on…nope. You can’t do it; no dancing in pants.) Your favorite is Cannon in D and you ask for it by name, daily. Classical music calms you. You are protective of your sister and will do what you think you can to help her out when she is sad or upset. Even when she is in trouble and we are taking her to time out, you say, “Be nice to my sister.” You love her. You are very good at pretending. You take it seriously and even your older brother and sisters can’t help but join in, whether you are “shopping” or “sleeping.” Whether you are a princess or a baby or a mommy or a dog, we have no choice but to believe you.

You’ve been here with me for three years now. But I know that you have always been mine, and I yours, whether I remember it or not; we have always been family. You are part of me and it goes so deep that I know that you always have been part of me and you always will be. Even after we leave the earth at our individual moments, we will still be bound together forever. I can sense that bond with you girls and it is intense and steadfast. I wish there were better and more powerful words but for now all I can tell you is this: I love you completely, wholly and deeply. I love you like mad.

Always,
me

2012-01-17T23:03:00.000-05:00

So very much has been going on around here. I find it hard to keep up and even harder coming here and writing it all down! There have been struggles and challenges and blessings and growth. Trips to the hospital, a funeral, family gatherings, birthdays…the ins and outs of a full life. And through it all I feel blessed. There are a lot of things that I have been thinking about that I will have to keep close to my heart for now. I don’t have time or energy, but here are a few tidbits for you…

As it came time to register for Squam Art Workshops (which I did!), Kelli contacted me about her story, which I was a part of and had totally forgotten about. It is a Squam story about never quite making it to Squam and how the feelings of Squam reached her anyway. It is a testament to the power of women and the good we can do for each other. (And a testament about how awesome Elizabeth, director of SAW, is.) I like learning how she was taken care of by strangers reaching out. It is a good story, read it here.

Speaking of women and nurturing, my friend Vanessa asked me to participate in her series, Making Friends as a Grown Woman. It is an interesting topic and one I enjoyed pondering. Read some of my thoughts about my experience with friendships in social media and face-to-face friendships here.

pink

2012-01-13T14:41:00.000-05:00

pink polka-dot pjs

Recently I thought of something that happened when I was probably 12 or so. (Now that I have a 12-year-old, I naturally think back a little more. I definitely felt older than she is.)

My family was in the car on our way home from somewhere and the conversation led to a coat of my mother’s. I said something like, “You should wear your pink coat.” I was referring to a ski coat that she had recently purchased and she said, “I don’t have a pink coat.” I tried to explain the coat and she said, “Oh. That’s not pink, it’s salmon.”

What? I didn’t know what she was talking about. Salmon? I thought this coat was really cute and I had paid extra attention. It was pink.

So for most of the ride home, back and forth we went.

Pink.

Salmon.

Pink.

Salmon.

When we arrived, the family dispersed in different directions, but both of us walked straight to the coat closet. I remember it very clearly. It was dusk, so the light was getting dim and we had mauve tile in the entryway (which could also be considered pink. A pink that I didn’t care for very much, if you must know.) I grabbed the doorknob and she reached into the closet and grabbed the coat. She held it out and we looked at it and with looks of triumph on our faces we both exclaimed at the same time, “SEE?!?”

What? How could we both be right?

I said, “It’s pink!”

She said, “It’s salmon!”

I looked away from the coat and into her face. It dawned on me that neither of us was wrong.

So, tell me what is the thought that just came to you? I’m interested in the different lessons we can learn from this story. You wanna write it in the comments? I love that a million different points could be made from one story.

grateful friday {AKA: an attempt to keep from going insane}

2012-01-06T13:31:00.000-05:00

I am thankful that I have this guy to make me smile and help me feel warm and comforted.

december views

2011-12-21T21:44:00.000-05:00

Behind me I heard little voices: "I love you, Princess." "I love you, too, Ladybug." So I stopped what I was doing to take a picture.

She loved her play dough snow man. She put a little face on it with a marker and then when I told her to show it to me so I could take a picture, she said, "No, I want to look at it like this." And then she just sat there. So I clarified, "You want me to take a picture of you looking at your snowman?" "Yep." So I did.

Her little tree. She's very proud. My favorite part is the clown nose that is being used as an ornament.

His retired work clothes.

Disguised for an activity at the mall. This cracks me up every time I look at it;)

She can peel a clementine in one long stringy thing.

This is my oldest daughter's: a vintage compact. She found it at an antique store a while back and loves that it has a secret compartment. I hid a secret love note in it. Someday she will find it right when she needs it, I am sure. (Because Father blesses us like that--little stuff right when we need it.)

Jake brought home this big tupperware that held cookies in it from work. This little munchkin fell in love with it. After hanging out with him all day, she said on the way to bed, "Mommy, I want to sleep with my cookie. I love that cookie."

Home made play dough.

Through the windshield.

Merry Christmas, friends! And happy all the other stuff that's going on, too.

xx

this morning

2011-12-19T10:33:00.001-05:00

waiting for the car to heat up

Tonight is the chorus/band concert at the elementary school. And I have been to 14 (FOURteen) of these hot and crowded events in the past 7 years. (Because I love my kids, silly.)

But tonight is the first one that I will attend while my child will be playing in the band. (The squeaky and adorable elementary school band.) That’s right; my son took up the trumpet. And I am impressed.

I am even more impressed that by 7AM this morning he had showered, dressed, *done his HAIR,*(<--he never does that!) and was wearing his coat and school bag and had already kissed daddy goodbye. He was 45 minutes early.

Well, I’m off to the post office. I need to make sure that I’m on time for the chorus/band concert and I have a feeling the lines are going to be loooooooooooooooooong with people holding all their last minute parcels. I have 7 hours. (Do you think a stroller will efficiently hold 2.5 year old twins in line while I have my arms loaded to the hilt? Hm. Thought not.)

december views

2011-12-12T22:52:00.000-05:00

projecting movies onto the ceiling

lotion drawing while we wait

I am...

2011-12-11T17:04:00.000-05:00

I am not what surrounds me. I am not happy because of you. I am not happy because of things. I am not my temper or my temperance. I am not the maker of a clean house or a messy room. I am not defined by the worst year of my life. I am not a failure. As long as I have another day, another hour, I can begin again.

I don’t have to be ashamed of my waffling back and forth; it is a human thing. We all get tired. We all get worn out. So instead of feeling apologetic for being tired, I will just lay down my weary self until I can stand tall again. Until I can take a breath and feel its renewing power inject heaven into every cell of my human form. Until I can open my eyes and see beauty again.

Because when I think about it, beauty is still surrounding me every day. It’s just harder to recognize when I am burdened.

The other day I felt like myself for the first time in months. It was like a veil had been lifted from my face and I could see myself clearly again. I remembered that I am whole. I am divine. I am a goddess in the making. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am important.

It made me cry.

Who have I been?

Where have I been?

I’m not even sure, but all I know is that I’ve been sick. And it gets really old. And I hate hearing about how old it’s getting from people who I love and depend on. And I have to stumble my way through life, feeling contrite at my shortcomings, feeling crestfallen that I am not doing, volunteering, raising my hand, standing on a soapbox, shouting to the world about love and beauty.

Well, now I remember what it feels like to be me. I’m not very far buried any more. I see that none of it is my fault. None of this characterizes me; I won’t let it define me. I will use it as an education.

I may have rested enough that I can stand up, take a breath and shake the devil off my back!

And now I wonder how many of you are like me? How many souls are out there wandering around with veiled faces, feeling regretful and disconcerted? Feeling hopeless and helpless?

There are answers hidden all around us.

Here is my anthem of the day:

Shake It Out by Florence + the Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

december views

2011-12-05T09:45:00.000-05:00

I once was blind but now I see

2011-11-27T20:41:00.000-05:00

I was trying to be like my friend Jolie and knit without looking. It worked! And as I was knitting without my eyes, my brain took me way back to when I worked at a bakery in SLC, Utah. I was rushing and there had been a long line non-stop and I was most likely acting like a robot because when the next man in line said, “I’d like a loaf of Honey Whole Wheat, please” I simply said, “It’s right on the shelf behind you.” I can’t remember what exactly happened next. Maybe I gave him further instructions, like say, “You know, half way down the shelf...right there…” Or maybe he asked me to get it for him and I heaved a heavy sigh. I can’t remember what exactly it was that led the people behind him in line to spell it out for me. “He can’t see.” They spoke slowly and clearly. It was like a slap in the face. I actually looked at the man standing in front of me and saw that, indeed, he was blind. I apologized profusely and scrambled around to get the loaf of bread. Then I folded all the bills in his change as he directed so he would recognize what they were when he pulled out his wallet at the next store…where the next person to serve him would have no problem noticing the details that add up to: blind man—help accordingly.

I’m sure I still don’t SEE a lot that is right in front of me. But I have recognized a lot of good, happy-making things this month that I am grateful for…

To Do Today:

2011-11-15T09:06:00.000-05:00

-laundry

-be thankful

-get groceries

-be thankful

-make something yummy for relief society dinner tonight

-be thankful

-sort through all my piles

-be thankful

-blog so that Jake doesn't tease me about the title of my last post again tonight

-be thankful

-jump on the trampoline

-be thankful

-keep ignoring most of the stuff on my to do list

-be thankful

-love on little people

-be thankful

Take THAT, you no-good, filthy suckers!

2011-11-04T21:57:00.000-04:00

Just so you know: I have waged a full scale, all out WAR. I have been invaded by aliens who got all comfortable in their host body. I thought I got them the first time around, what with all those antibiotics, but Lyme cells are sneaky little suckers. But those smart little morphing cells are microscopic fools if they think I’d just roll over and let them hang around in this here body without a fight.

The research I do makes me sick to my stomach. So don’t worry about this being an educational post all about the evils of said Lyme and the conspiracy theories of the people keeping us all in the dark about it. I just wanted to let you know what I’m up to over here.

Because you can’t really tell from the outside. My weapons are invisible to the naked eye. So if you suddenly remember that your friend Brittany is creating a famine and bearing a sword and shield all on the inside, you might want to cheer me on. (You know, like, “Go Britt! You are so awesome!”) (Because sometimes I feel strong and then other times, not so much.)

You know how awesome? So awesome that I haven’t eaten a single piece of Halloween candy. No, my friends. Nary a grain of sugar. (Except for that one day when that beautiful temptress came bearing gifts that had combinations of sweet and bitter (oh, that chocolate frosting!), moist and delectable, homemade and seasonal (apples and caramel in the divine form of baked deliciousness!). Celestial, if I may.) No, not even a bit of fruit. No, not any white flour to speak of and any whole grains sparingly and balanced with lots of protein and fat. Did I mention that my alien enemies feed on sugar? That’s right: FAMINE

A couple of my unusual yet effective strategies that include herbal and food supplements, and knocking those ugly buggers out of their little fortifications (AKA: mama’s joins (read: all that neck/back/shoulder pain)) by running and jumping. I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve now. Like resting when I need to so that my body can fight. I could tell you more, but then I’d have to kill you.

So wish me luck. I’ve got to tell you that I feel really good already. (You know, besides the fatigue and the constant severe pain.) I hate to admit it, because I find great joy in baking and consuming delicious sugary treats. But onward to battle I go!

Okay, but first I just have to lay down and rest a spell.

BTW: if any of you locals are interested in the most wonderful doctor, I highly recommend Dr. Dan’s Natural Healing Center in Newburyport. Tell him I referred you and you’ll get a discount on your services;)

time out

2011-11-02T22:29:00.000-04:00

Me: Oh, no. Is your baby in time out?

Her (2.5 years old): Yep.

Me: What did she do?

Her: She bit her sister

I woke up today and realized that it is November!

2011-11-01T18:17:00.000-04:00

I love November. Not only is it my birth month (let’s hear it for the Scorpios!), but it is the month that reminds me again and again to focus on my blessings. To celebrate the good and be thankful for it.

It is a month that feels like winding down. And if there’s anything I need right now, it is a winding down. I’m on a search for stillness.

Isn’t it funny how we search for the things that are missing from our lives at that moment? At other times in my life I would never have been on a search for stillness. But here I am, seeking peace in a big way.

It’s the great balancing act.

So while I have been guilty of having a bit of a downer attitude about the big snow storm that left us wanting for power and Halloween, I woke up today realizing that there was another side to it. Last night, in the stillness of candlelight, we happily ate our pumpkin pancakes and danced to softly playing classical music. I realized that I was grateful for the forced quiet. For the snow day that allowed us to catch up and enjoy each other. For the generator that kept us with running water and a way to cook food and stay warm. I was grateful (for the millionth time) for my genius of a husband who takes care of us continually.

And even though I wish I were here on my blog more often and acting on all of my creative impulses, I am thankful for the two whipper-snappers who make it impossible. And I am thankful for the understanding that the day will come that I will have more time to dedicate to that and when that day is here, I will feel grateful for the time I spent with my children, struggling for balance. Because surely they give to me and I give to them and after all is said and done, I will have learned stuff that I couldn’t have learned any other way.

stuff I’ve been re-learning this week:

2011-10-18T08:52:00.000-04:00

take the time to meditate and ponder

take the time to journal

hold your tongue

make time to feel the joy that comes from the every-day

bake something when you need comfort

I love the autumn air

little bums are for patting and squeezing

I love the temple

breathe. then breathe slower and deeper.

peach freezer jam tastes like my delicious childhood

grapes: stage 3

2011-10-12T13:15:00.000-04:00

grapes: stage 2

2011-10-12T13:11:00.000-04:00

grapes: stage 1

2011-10-11T09:57:00.000-04:00

Our friend had a good harvest and invited us to partake...

2011-10-10T06:11:00.000-04:00

The other day, I was having the little girls help me make a birthday cake. I gave them each an egg to crack (that's right, I start 'em young).When the first one pulled the egg apart with her little fingers, the egg missed the bowl. It plopped onto the counter and then slid from the counter to the chair and then guuuued slowly off the chair onto the floor. It happened in slow motion and we all watched it silently. Then my girl said clearly and calmly, "Oh, my gossss. I can't believe it."

“I like today.”

2011-10-06T20:37:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago today I had the BEST labor and delivery and in the following few months I was pampered by bliss and pure joy. The happiest baby boy, my only son has continued to bring light and laughter into my life.

Here are a couple things I have found around the house in the past few days because you live with me.

You make me laugh even with your constant sugar plundering.
I am better than I would have been because you are mine.
You have taught me the importance of sensitivity.
You have shown me so many examples of simply trusting and having faith in God and in people.
You have taught me what happens when you have an
optimistic outlook on everything:

Luck

Fun

Blessings

Friends

+Happiness

Everything Good

transformation

2011-09-28T14:22:00.000-04:00

We found some monarch eggs on milkweed near our house and brought them inside to watch the process of becoming a butterfly. We have done it every year for several years now and it never gets old! It is fascinating. Here are some pictures of the process of transformation...

xo
Britt

sight

2011-09-26T22:26:00.000-04:00

sight. original mixed media on wooden panel, 12x12. sold.

I was driving early one morning and the sun hadn’t quite reached me yet. Everything was monochromatic and still. As I passed a huge field, several beams of sunlight reached it and startling color jumped out from the grass and the trees that lined the edge.

It made me think about light and how it changes things. Light can be physical and give us warmth and brightness and color. It can be spiritual and we gain truth and wisdom from its divine touch. It can be emotional and we are filled with joy as we let go of our heavy hearts. No matter how it manifests, light is powerful and comforting.

The past couple years have run me ragged. Although I wouldn't change my circumstances - I really love being a mom and find joy in my five incredible children - I have had a really hard time figuring out how to slow down enough to let any beauty and light penetrate.

(If something lovely happens to you and you don’t record it with paper or words or stitches in fabric or ink or paint or pixels, did it really happen?) (you know, like when a tree falls in a forest...) (get it?)

I almost didn’t go to Squam Art Workshops this year. At the last moment my mom and Jake talked me into it: Why wouldn’t you go? It’s your thing. Take care of yourself. You need this.

(They must really love me.)

So I emailed Elizabeth and told her I trusted her (because I’ve seen her gut telling her what to do and I’ve watched how she always listens and wondered at the incredible gift she has!). She emailed me back with which classes her gut told her I would love and then put me in a cabin she knew I would enjoy. I didn’t question it; I accepted it whole heartedly and kept running.

When I walked the familiar path through the woods, my body loosened. My mind widened. My eyes noticed.

The last day I was there, I took Alena Hennessy’s class, the joy of intention. I had spent the past days being filled up and refreshed. I was being fed. And Alena took us out and stood us in a circle and asked what our intentions were.

What?

How had I not asked this of myself? What did I want from this experience? How have I been touched and changed? How did I want it to manifest when I return home? What were my intentions with this squammie experience?

I thought about how the light had touched me while I was there. Not only did it warm me and dance on my skin, it had engulfed my overburdened mind and body and healed it with laughter and friendship and truth. I had sat on the dock and watched the sun rise and seen how the light has a separate beauty from the darkness yet it’s hard to tell when one ends and one begins. I had sat quietly and listened as the light of the Spirit whispered and confirmed and denied, and I could see my life and my potential for what it is: beautiful and imperfect.

(photo taken by the beautiful Elke May right after class. Thanks, Elke;)

My intentions are to keep living through this season of motherhood that is filled with joy and pain, beauty and hardships, and when things are feeling monochromatic, find a way to slow down enough that I can look up and see where the light is shining to catch sight of what I am missing in my haste. Because there is always light and it is always offering beauty and comfort; truth and warmth; color and energy.

Here is what I wrote in class right before I started painting:

The light

comes in bursts

of hope and peace and

shines

upon parts of life that are hard

and suddenly I can see

the beauty

that was hidden from my

sight.

The color

reflects and shines

bringing joy and peace and awe.

The clouds part

and I know the way.

I am at peace.

Here is the piece that I painted in the inspiring Misty Mawn's wonderful class, Painted Icon:

seeker. original acrylic on panel, 8.5x11.

(Cabin-mates: I can't help but laugh right now because of our experience with this painting. Elizabeth was so right to put me with you guys. You are dear to my heart.)

XO,

Britt

This series of pictures is like an illustration of my life.

2011-09-21T10:34:00.000-04:00

There I was at Squam Art Workshops, surrounded by nature and beauty and inspiration and genius, and I try to do a selfie with some of my cabin mates (love) on the way to breakfast. Instead of making the timer wait longer before it shoots, I made it take 10 consecutive pictures. Not only that, but I forgot that I left it in manual focus, hence the fact that not one thing is clear. (Not even the spider web photo that I put it on MF for in the first place.) Then I scurried back to the group in an awkward manner and knelt right on Sweet One's fingers, perhaps maiming her for life. Thank goodness she is a good sport.

It was silly. Like life.

I have been really annoyed at the fact that I WANT to post here and I just clicked to see when my last post was and that birthday party feels like fovever ago. I had my oldest friends visit and never really wrote about it! My mom has been here for a month! My sister and her kiddos came and I met my niece for the first time! My brother came to vistit and nary a post has been posted. Sigh.

Back to the point of this random post: Thank the heavens that we can still find beauty and joy in the awkward and silly, because that gives me hope. And when I went away and took a few days for myself, I was able to breathe and be still inside. And it was like in that wonderful children's book ...ish, I didn't try to capture it, I just soaked it all in. I watched all the other artists and writers and poets and creative souls capturing bits and pieces and that was good enough for me.

Here is the only other picture I got that is worth keeping and sharing:

And the reason that it is worth it, even though every other squam post has a picture just like that one, is because the lake helped me be still. It helped in my reflections. It aided my capacity to breathe deeply. Watching the sun rise in the mornings and seeing the night sky reflected on its surface grounded me.

A birthday party picture story.

2011-09-04T23:20:00.000-04:00

Thanks to everyone who helped me celebrate my beloved.

Britt

(scanned instax "photobooth" shot)

so what if I don't want to think of a title for this post?

2011-09-01T23:13:00.000-04:00

There are times that I make decisions based on what I see other people care about. For instance, I don’t care if my kid eats something off the ground, but I’ve noticed that other people seem to care, so when I see them pick up something that fell on the ground I tell my children, “Oh, don’t eat that. That’s yucky.”

I have a drawer by the stove that is full of utensils: spatulas, measuring spoons and measuring cups, whisks, a ladle, a can opener, vegetable peeler. You know. That drawer. I just had all the stuff in there, there weren’t any organizers and everything was just chillin’ out together. Like a party. One day my mom and mother in law and sister in law were hanging out in the kitchen. Maybe they were cooking or something, but they all wanted me to organize the drawer. The thought hadn’t crossed my mind that I should make a point to go to the store and purchase something to go into my utensils drawer that would keep my whisks from getting unruly. So I told them they could have at it. By the next day I had little compartments within the drawer and everything was in its’ place. Weeks later one of them asked me if I liked the drawer better and if I could find what I needed quicker. “I guess so,” I said. It really didn’t make a difference to me either way. But after a few years of living with it like that I can see that I always know which area of the drawer to go to when I’m reaching for my measuring spoons. (And that comes in handy when you’re making a quick batch of chocolate chip cookies.) Now I notice if someone else unloads the dishwasher and puts something back into the drawer in the wrong place. I found myself correcting my son when he was helping me out one day. “Actually, the measuring cups go HERE.” I heard myself and was a little annoyed.

But I can see that other people like the drawer better when it’s organized and neat. So I do it.

There are all kinds of things that people do that I wouldn’t do unless I felt pressured socially. Things like worry that I have a trampoline with out a net. I wouldn’t care if it didn’t have a matt around the springs, but it does because I inherited it like that. I have a trampoline because it is fun to jump on. Why can’t it remain simple? You feel like jumping high and doing a flip because it is fun, so you go onto the trampoline and do it. That’s how it was when I was a kid, but now there are all these safety measures people have taken.

When people jump high on something that is 3 feet off the ground, there is a risk of falling. Sometimes people might get the wind knocked out of them and every once in a while someone gets a broken bone. To me, these are unfortunate moments, but natural consequences of being human. But there are people, lots of people, obviously, who feel that if there is a risk, we should find ways to prevent these things from happening. So they design things and sell them, making the world a safer place.

My guess is that those people don’t have ADD.

Today I killed a mouse with a shovel.

2011-08-29T22:44:00.001-04:00

Don’t judge me too harshly yet; he had his leg caught in a mouse trap and the cat had been tormenting him for quite a while when I caught him with leather gloves. I stuck him in a bunch of grocery bags, bloody trap and all, and gave him a good whack out on the driveway. I broke the shovel. Then I felt like a horrible person.

And my day went back and forth, up and down, good and bad for the rest of the day.

The first day of school was canceled. Isn’t that something? The first day? Does that mean they have to make it up next June? Oh, Irene.

I wiped up about 15 pools of urine throughout the day. (potty training twins.)

But I also got to cheer about 35 times when they went wee-wee and poop on the potty.

And I got to hang out with my mom.

I made fresh peach sorbet and peach freezer jam. (now my mouth is watering.)

And there are two crock pots filled with apple butter that is making the house smell divine. (They are from my own ancient apple trees! Which I’ve never been able to harvest because they are…ancient…and huge and the apples are craggy and small and I can’t ever reach them. But we had a hurricane yesterday and she knocked them to the ground for me. Hence the apple butter making the house smell delicioso.)

I cried when I saw that I had a 7 year old form of Irene let loose up stairs and I couldn’t even walk around for lack of free floor space. (mama’s tired.)

But then I got to be the hero when I found my daughter’s beloved lost blankie so she could sleep on the night before the second first day of school.

Dear Summer,

2011-08-26T18:29:00.000-04:00

I'm going to miss you.

Brittany

2011-08-25T14:13:00.000-04:00

We've been growing monarchs and they hatched! (more pics to come...)

Summer is coming to an end and I'm not ready. (pouty face)

Lots has been going on...two of my oldest and dearest friends came to visit and it was such a happy time. (they wrote about it here and here. Love.) Jake turned 39! My mom is in town for the next month. School starts on monday and I now have a 7th grader, a 4th grader and a 2nd grader. Time is flying by.

hello: pix from my iphone

2011-08-19T08:59:00.000-04:00

When I don't have time to journal or blog, it seems that I still take pictures on my phone. So here is an assortment of pictures of my little hurried and lovely life...

Headed out to the beach! Happy Friday, friends.

xo
B

coconut pancakes + banana + home made blueberry syrup = yum

2011-08-06T16:18:00.000-04:00

sleepy

2011-08-05T12:36:00.000-04:00

sleepy morning smooches

I found them like this yesterday morning. Apparently the cat was chasing a mouse and lost it. Several times. In their room. And then she brought the mouse downstairs and lost it downstairs, too. Escaping a cat + mouse in the night = kitchen counter safety

beauty sleep

how i love little body parts.

2011-08-04T07:54:00.000-04:00

stoic

2011-08-02T22:08:00.001-04:00

The other day I was talking to my friend and really spilling about how sick I’ve been. She was trying to take good care of me and she said, “You’re so stoic, Brittany! You really need to speak up about what you need.”

It caught me off guard. No one had ever called me stoic before.

When I hung up the phone I couldn’t get it off my mind. I really don’t like complaining. When my kids whine it drives me batty. I can only take so much when I’m around someone who complains and it makes me want to run away and hide from them. I don’t like to focus on negatives. I hardly remember the bad times in my life because once they are over and done with, I let them go.

My mom has told me before that if she doesn’t hear from me for a while, she knows something is wrong because I get quiet. But it doesn’t make sense to me: what does complaining do besides annoy people? It doesn’t change anything or make it better.

Stoic?

I think we’re on to something.

But it was Thumper who taught me, “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, then don’t say nuthin’ at all.”

My mind starts reeling with the doctor visits and the pain. I’m telling them that I’m in a lot of pain, but they aren’t getting the message. I guess they don’t know that I’ve awakened from anesthesia, body convulsing, fresh wound where a baby had just been cut out of me. That’s a 10 on the pain scale. Staring death in the face. That’s a 10. I guess they haven’t seen me breathe through hard labor contractions with nary an mg of meds in me. My physical therapists weren’t there when I drove home on a fractured ankle and tried to walk on it when I got out of the car. I’ve had some big pain in my life and I’m pretty sure I have a grasp on what a 10 is and I knew I wasn’t there. But I started to realize that I was slowly getting there because I was loosing hope. I was loosing motivation. It was taking a big toll and it scared me to be feeling so bad all the time.

Did the doctors not know what I needed because I was too busy enduring it? Trying to cope without becoming someone I hate? Becoming someone who quiets themselves and shuts off the good and the bad?

It’s hard to put someone else out. To say, “I can’t, will you?” Because truthfully, I know what a body can do. It’s a lot. It’s more than you think. So sometimes I feel like it’s me saying, “I don’t want to, you do it.” I have fully and happily accepted my responsibilities as a wife and mother. It is an honor to me (unless I’m grumpy, then it’s just a lot of work;) and it makes me feel bad to wrap up a little bundle of responsibilities that I took on and hand them over to someone else who didn’t have a choice.

Even as I type this it sounds ridiculous. We help each other out as humans and as friends. I know. There are sicknesses and exceptions. But there’s that piece of me that is ready to cringe because someone might say, “She has taken on too much. She can’t handle what she has. Her burden is too much. Why does she have five children if she can’t handle it? It’s her own doing.”

But then in my minds eye I see the faces of never ending lovely friends and family who are so sincere and kind. And I realize that’s just my stupid gremlins talking. What’s up with negative self talk being so sneaky? It’s as if someone is actually saying these things out loud and then I realize that it’s just my own fears talking me out of having faith in the goodness of the decent folks out there. (decent folks like you, dear reader.)

So I practiced showing passion about my needs and I told Jake to take drop everything and take over for me. Because I needed him to.

Then I snuggled with children who were tired and crying. Because I know what that’s like, after all. And a good snuggle with your mom always seems to help.

Then I picked ripe blueberries off the bushes in my back yard. And with each little pluck I felt a quiet satisfaction.

And I realized that I would get better.

And a little passion started brewing deep inside.

And it felt good.

Half of my face is paralyzed and I am thankful.

2011-07-25T09:29:00.001-04:00

I’m serious, too.

I got Bell's Palsy and suddenly the doctors knew what was wrong with me: Lyme disease.

I have been in so much pain. I can’t emphasize that enough. PAIN. I could hardly move because every move was painful. Excruciating. My back/neck and shoulder were getting worse and worse no matter that I got a cortisone shot and have been in physical therapy for the past two-three months. The doctors were talking surgery on my spine and my stomach was nauseous from taking 15-20 pain killers a day. I was spending a lot of time in tears and a lot of time trying to learn to live with chronic pain, but not doing very well at it. We scheduled an MRI and I filled a prescription for Vicodin.

Then my tongue went numb and my hearing went wacky and my eye started twitching. The next afternoon the left half of my face went tingly and numb. That was scary.

After spending the evening in the ER, I woke up the next morning and realized that my prayers had been answered because although I still didn’t feel WELL, I woke up and my pain had decreased significantly. I probably got the best sleep I had gotten in 6 weeks (in spite of my eye being taped shut with scotch tape).

I can turn my head!

I can reach! I can pick up my babies! I can bend! I can sit at the computer!

I have a lot of catching up to do. And I’ll be doing it without all my pain meds.

It’s a good day, friends. A good day

backyard picking

2011-07-14T20:15:00.000-04:00

The blueberries are getting ripe.

I keep finding them out there pickin away.

We had to teach her about the BLUE ones.

Yum.

Hope you're having a great summer!

xo
B

chicky chicky boomba

2011-07-05T20:01:00.000-04:00

lots of bruises + swimmers ear= love

That's right. Love.

Last week I was a leader at Girls Camp for my church and it was so. much. fun. Lots of work, but a different kind of work than I do every day. It was so rewarding and the GIRLS! These girls are so strong and good and I love being around them.

polar swim: 1 mile (two mornings in a row. because I love me a lake.)

I loved being in the woods and on a lake. I loved being focused on strengthening relationships, whether it was with my daughter (her first year at camp! milestone.), the other girls, the women or my personal relationship with God.

Who knew that walking around in the woods and singing crazy songs and truckin it to the latrine in the middle of the night would be so fulfilling?

Me, silly! That's why I went! Love, love, love.

2011-06-23T10:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we went to the beach with family friends. We played in the sand and collected rocks and stuff. The kids boogie boarded. Life is rough.

Today it is raining and we're eating cupcakes and going to the library. I can see why people are always nervous about summer vacation.

ummmm, WHAT?

In between the fighting and dancing we're going to make some lotion and see what crazy 'do's we can capture on film. Here's what we've gotten so far:

this is what happens when I give them watercolors and walk away;)

2011-06-21T22:52:00.000-04:00

And lookie here:

I am now officially the mother of a 7th grader. (on the right, with her BFF)

She is now much older and wiser...

I am so excited that the kiddos are out of school! We are going to pack it all in this summer.
Starting with the beach in the morning:)

What are your favorite things to do during school vacation?

It's 10:30 the night before the last day of school.

2011-06-20T22:30:00.008-04:00

I don't know how it's going to work - it's so crazy around here already! But I'm ready for it. The serious fun that is summer vacation is about to begin!

Wish me luck;)

the light ahead

2011-06-16T21:38:00.002-04:00

the light ahead: original painting, acryilic on stretched canvas, 6 x 6, for sale here

Today was one of those days. It had good and bad.

this is what the after-school equation looked like:

field day
92 degree weather
school is almost out
+exhaustion
___________________
big, big freak outs

When one goes down like that you know how it effects the whole.

After the dust had settled and bellies were full and babies were in bed, I decided it would be a good time to run an errand. So I took my tired sticky body and put it in the car and as I pulled away the same thing happened that always happens:

She ran as fast as she could alongside of me as I slowly drove away. I watched as the smile spread on her face. The sun shone from behind lighting up her hair and as she got to the edge of the property I looked in my review mirror and she stopped and cupped her mouth and shouted, "I love you SO MUCH!" Her hand thrown high in the "i love you" sign.

And after I shouted the appropriate response I promptly prayed that I would not forget. Too many moments have left my brain and I don't want that one to flitter away into the void. When I'm old and grey and my life is falling away from me, one of the things I want to remember is my child, happy and full of love with the sunlight kissing her head and possiblity holding her hand.

This path we're on has good and bad every day.

I will search for the beauty.

I will remember the joy.

I will let the bad teach me its lessons and stand taller as I let it take its place in the void, activly seeking the good all around me.

There is always a light ahead of us with the promise of joy and peace and I am drawn to it with love in my heart.

sacred

2011-06-07T23:04:00.001-04:00

Lately all the extra stuff is being stripped away layer by layer. Not in an intentional way, but life is just flying by so fast and as I’m running to keep up I’ll have this moment of clarity. Like an out of body experience. Or like I can suddenly say “STOP” and look at everything in all its imperfection and see it for what it is: beautiful, messy life.

The message I keep getting is: LOVE

It sounds so cliché: live in the moment, love is all that matters, yada yada yada…

But it’s not cliché when I feel frustrated one second and then I hear a tiny two year old voice singing perfectly on pitch and am overcome with how lucky I am. It’s not just the same old, same old when I am worried and anxious and make the decision to stop and pay attention. And then I suddenly SEE. And I feel so blessed and loved and watched over.

Life has good and bad. Every relationship has ups and downs. People have strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes we are happy and excited and sometimes we struggle to get to the next minute. But there is a purpose to it all and I am so glad that we have the opportunity to search deep down and figure it all out as individuals.

I am reminded lately that my role of mother is so sacred. I have the responsibility to give love to these amazing souls and make sure they are well taken care of. I get so frustrated with myself when I mess it all up with being so human that I loose focus. But they are so forgiving and I learn so much from being around them. I love being a mother.

a happy accident

2011-06-06T21:00:00.000-04:00

We have violets and they grow out of control. I treat them like weeds and just keep ripping them out of the gardens because they will take over everything. I take multiple wheelbarrows full of them to the woods every year. A couple of years ago I got lazy and dumped a wheelbarrow full onto the burn pile. (Which Jake still gives me a hard time about.) But now every spring, the grass blooms.

And for some reason even though they drive me crazy in my flower gardens, I love them in the lawn.

Life is funny.

cravings

2011-05-26T20:45:00.000-04:00

I was singing this song at the top of my lungs with Rufus and dancing with my girls and it made me think of my pregnancy. I know I must have mentioned my love for chocolate milk here before. That love was only intensified while pregnant. But did I ever mention that during my pregnancy with the twins I craved cigarettes? It’s true.

I’ve never smoked even one cigarette in my life. I had a couple boyfriends in high school that smoked and that’s the extent of my smoking experience. But you wouldn’t think so if you were in my body while I was preggers with dos bambinas. During previous pregnancies I was very put out with the whole smoking thing. I was very hormonal about it and took it personally any time I came upon someone whose smoke was getting in my personal breathing space. However, this time around, not only was I having dreams (DREAMS!) that I was hanging out of windows taking long, deep drags, but in reality when I walked out of a grocery store and smelled cigarette smoke, instinctively I started breathing deeply and walking toward the source.

What?

I kid you not, my friends.

Not only that, but listen to this part. At some point during the pregnancy I got a cheap changing table and spray painted it. I don’t know what happened during that makeover, but for the rest of my pregnancy I daydreamed about spray painting something. My husband watched out for me and insisted that he do the touch up spray paint on said changing table and I pretended that I was grateful. Meanwhile I was white knuckling the counter top trying to control my desire to run to the garage and breathe in the fumes.

I remember a friend telling me once that she had great desires to lick granite and suck on stones while pregnant. Rocks. They seem like a harmless thing to crave.

2011-05-25T20:21:00.000-04:00

Today I tried not to fall asleep while driving. I found some raisins in the diaper bag and popped them in my mouth one at a time.

Today while I helped my six year old stay focused on her spelling homework I started to nod off. “I can tell you’re getting tired,” she said with a smile.

Today I went to the doctor to get a referral for physical therapy because my shoulder has been killing me. So much so that I can’t sleep.

Every time I use my shoulder I wonder how I’m not supposed to use it. Have you ever tried to wrestle a two-year-old into their car seat? They’re strong little buggers. And you can’t just not go somewhere because a child doesn’t feel like buckling up, you know what I mean? I can’t picture the correct way to get the kid in the car seat without harming my injury further.

What do I do if one two-year-old is biting the other? How do I help them up to the table to eat? How do I get them into their cribs? It even hurts to change their diapers.

But on the up side, it was nice and sunny today.

And my six year old really likes getting the babies out of their cribs in the morning.

it won't stop raining

2011-05-19T20:30:00.000-04:00

we are here, we are here, we are here!

2011-05-16T14:33:00.000-04:00

Really, I am still alive. My girls are going through a very needy phase and every time I try to sit down to write something it...well, let's just say it doesn't happen in the end. But I have a random few minutes and I thought I'd stop by and say hello:)

Here are some pictures of stuff that has been inspiring and beautiful...or joyful and fun...well, the random goodness that I happened to catch on my iphone this week.

when Spring decides to spring...

2011-05-05T11:12:00.002-04:00

...she sure doesn't waist time fooling around. I thought it would never happen and within a week, flowers are popping, grass is green and growing and perennials have grown anywhere from a few inches to a few feet.

And I am thankful. I am loving every second of it.

dear bleeding hearts, a week ago you were just a twinkle in my eye

i'm not kidding--a week ago, this was bare mulch and flower-less rhodie

The little tinies even let me do some weeding and edging without bookin' it toward the street! *hallelujia choir sounding in the background and beams of light shining upon me and my life* It felt so good to dig in the dirt.

the rest of the garden doesn't look half this good, but that's okay.

flowering plum and purple violets all through the grass...so lovely.

In other news, yesterday Jake and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. (I know! fif-TEEN?!?) He brought me this bouquet and I'm not one to care overly about flowers, but I can't get over this one. It's just so stunning! It's like she saw inside the flower-loving section of my soul and created this one just for me;)

I'm such a lucky girl. I have such a happy marriage. A good husband who I adore.

carmel-by-the-sea

2011-05-03T23:34:00.001-04:00

We went to hang out with my mamacita. Those are her legs. This is her beach...or at least the beach by her house. We had a great time. I hate trying to write about travels, because it is too hard to fit it all into words. I might as well try to count the grains of sand on my mamacita's beach.

But here are a few moments in pictures...

The cousins (because my sister Kara and her family came down to hang out with us and now I miss them more than ever) were forever entertained in the back yard. That little house at the top of the beautiful gardens is where the older three kids slept. They loved it. And who wouldn't - it's seriously awesome in there. If only I took pictures of it!!!

Here's my little peanut waiting patiently to get her shoes put on so she can go play. It struck me as so adorable that she just sat there waiting while I went on a sock search. She just sat and stared and I wonder what she was thinking...

Maybe she was deciding to see if this gate really opens and closes...

yep. It does.

I spotted these 7 year old cousins up at the rope swing taking a self portrait with my girl's new instax camera. (Which I'm personally in love with.)

Later I found the little selfie and it was so washed out and overexposed because the camera was on the indoor setting and they took the picture pointing right at the sun reflecting on the ocean behind them. But I could see that it was cute, so I scanned it and tried to darken it up a bit and I fell in love with it...

so cute, no?

Then there's the beach...

It really is beautiful. And full of tide pools in the rocks to find lots of treasures in...

Or you can just dig around in the coarse sand the whole time like this little betty.

She hung out with her daddy most of the time while her twinny sister just gaped at the ocean...

Every time a wave crashed she'd say, "wow...WOOOOW..."

If you don't feel like treasure hunting for beachy things, you can walk/run along the path that looks like this:

And then there's the Monterey Bay Aquarium. They have a seahorse exhibit right now that rocked my world! And my trip to San Francisco, but I have to stop now and go to bed. I'm so so sooo tired.

But if you've never gone to Carmel-by-the-sea or Monterey, you should jump on that train and ride. You won't be disappointed. Although it would be much better if you could stay with my mamacita;)

Mom, thank you so much for such a wonderful trip. It was priceless!

we've returned home

2011-05-01T22:11:00.000-04:00

...from a great trip to Carmel, CA. I'll try to post some pictures tomorrow...

Hope you're all doing well!

xo
B

a really long post in which I ramble on and on

2011-04-18T10:43:00.000-04:00

I prefer to wear bare feet. But I don’t feel the need to make sure that everyone sees the benefit of bare feet. (You know, the simplicity and joy that comes from feeling the grass beneath your feet among other things that I don’t have the time to think of at this moment to try and prove my point.) No, and I can’t imagine going a step further and enforcing that feet go bare in certain places at certain times and then think of a consequence when someone wears shoes. (That would be a lot of work and leave me less time to enjoy walking around in my bare feet!)

A silly example, but I’m trying to make a point. The people who make the official rules and regulations of society are usually a certain kind of person. They mean well and want things to run smoothly and have order. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that usually these people are not people who have ADD.

Just because someone thinks that a certain way is the right way, doesn’t mean that every other way is the wrong way.

People with ADD usually don’t have the tendency to enforce things on others. They are usually working hard to maintain and balance their lives. “The System” doesn’t come naturally to someone who has ADD to begin with and as things become more and more regulated, it becomes harder to break through the system and make changes that would benefit them. It’s like it goes directly against the nature of one with ADD, but if we don’t do it, then who will?

It is hard to imagine thinking in a way that seems foreign to us. We can’t know what it feels like to have someone else’s brain. But it seems like there are enough studies out there that can help us understand different ways to learn and different ways to teach. There is not just one right way, but right now there is only one way in action which could be why there are so many kids on medication.

If there is a group of people who can prove that they have learned specific content by taking a written test that needs to be finished within a certain amount of time, that doesn’t mean that testing someone orally is wrong.

I remember when I was in middle school I had undergone a lot of different testing to try to figure out what was going on with me. We knew I was smart, but we didn’t know why I didn’t look smart on paper. I didn’t have a name for it until college: ADD/I.

My middle school put me in this really ridiculous reading class that was a complete waist of time and they put me in a math class that was far below my skill level. I didn’t understand why they were putting me in classes that didn’t challenge me at all. I was frustrated and bored and felt misunderstood. Looking back as an adult, I can see clearly what was going on, but when I was younger I didn’t know how to express it. So I acted out. I decided if they didn’t care, then I didn’t care. I started skipping class and not doing my homework. I would hang out with my boyfriend and then walk into class 20 minutes late. I remember that my desk was on the far side of the classroom and I walked in and made a big commotion, interrupting the teacher’s lesson and then climbed up on a desk and walked across the tops of the desks over to my seat and sat down and got my stuff out. He wasn’t the best teacher, obviously, because when I was seated he just continued on like I hadn’t done something rude, so I half listened while I drew on my desk.

I knew the math. I knew the math even when I missed half of class and I knew the math without doing my homework. What would it have taken for the school to find a way for me to prove that I knew the math? What would it have taken to find out what I knew and figure out a way to challenge me so that I would actually be interested? Because that’s the big key for ADD: interest. It’s not as hard to concentrate on something when you are interested in it.

So here’s the question: What could we change in public schools to make it more learning friendly for all kinds of brains? I am wondering if there is a way to balance it and make it better all around without decreasing the efficiency. Are the only choices a parent has for their children with ADD 1: medication, 2: home school, or 3: allowing them to struggle through feeling like a failure?

To see the previous discussion about ADD, click here.

destroying the evidence

2011-04-17T15:40:00.001-04:00

I am a primary teacher for the 8-12 year-old girls in church. When everyone was all together for sharing time, they were discussing sin and how we get tangled up trying to lie about it or cover it up instead of just admitting to it and saying we're sorry. They were having an object lesson about the atonement.

The kids were talking about things they cover up in order to avoid punishment. They obviously had a lot of experience making it look like they hadn't eaten cookies when they had been sneaking them and they were giving up all thier secrets about hiding the evidence.

"Wipe the crumbs off the counter."

"If you are getting it from a cooling rack you can rearrange the cookies so it doesn't look like one is gone."

Then my son raises his hand and says:

I have one!

Mop up the blood and hide the body.

seven

2011-04-09T22:02:00.000-04:00

Sweet Pea,

I hope you could feel all.the.LOVE. on your birthday. I wanted to celebrate you big time.

You are an incredible person. You came into my life like a whirlwind and I haven't stopped spinning since. Arms out, looking up, skirt flying, a smile on my face and you right next to me. You make my life interesting. You make me a better person. You are like my personal muse always spurring me to search harder, look closer, find beauty.

We describe you as intense and feisty and I think it's a good thing. You show us all how to live with passion.

I wish I could bottle up my love for you to keep in your pocket. Then in those hard moments when you feel bad about whatever it might be, you could take it out and uncork it and know without a doubt that it will all be okay. That there is nothing wrong with you. That you are strong and beautiful and smart. That you are divine. That the answers will come. That you are so incredibly loved.

I bet this year will be the best one yet. After all, seven and eleven rhyme.

Love always,

Mommy

sneaking in some calm

2011-04-06T11:34:00.001-04:00

Last evening I went to pick up a prescription for #5. She is recovering from pneumonia and the doctor wants me to give her breathing treatments to help her little body out a bit. There is a lab near my pharmacy and I was determined to get my blood drawn. My doctor had ordered blood tests so long ago and it is so hard to get to the lab!

So I snuck away and left Jake with the kiddos. I drove in silence. My mind racing with all the things I have to do, but there was quiet around me. I brought the book I just got from the library and I walked up the stairs and into a huge waiting room that was almost empty. I signed my name on the list and sat down across from a very grumpy looking girl. I wondered if I should make conversation with her, but she was staring at my feet with this look on her face. I thought about how I had run out of the house without bothering to put socks on because some things don’t matter enough to distract me from the goal (in this case: actually leaving the house without five kids noticing that I am sneaking out to run an errand). My shoes didn’t match my outfit and they definitely looked weird without socks and it was obvious when I was sitting there all alone without the distraction of kiddos running around me. I decided to leave the girl alone and let her fester and I opened my book and read a page before my name was called.

He looked me up in the computer and he announced that the orders were sent on February 11th. “It’s so hard to get to the lab!” I told him apologetically. He told me that’s what the last guy said and he jovially started making conversation from what he knew about me from the vast pool of information about me on his computer.

He sat me down in the chair and I stared at the walls as we chatted and he tied the rubber thing around my arm. The walls were covered with all kinds of pictures. Covered. Some were personal pictures, obviously belonging to the staff of blood-drawing folk, and some were torn out of magazines and what not. There were puppies and kittens and family pictures. There were pictures of the woods and of waterfalls. Babies in costumes and a random bear. I thought about Fringe (I can’t help it - I love that show!): Olivia was getting her blood drawn and she was staring at a screen that had peaceful things playing on it—a waterfall with the gushing sound, and then the ocean with the sound of the waves crashing on the shore.

“Are all these pictures supposed to calm me down?” I teased. He joked about the fire risk that his co-workers are imposing on him. He kidded with me that he could tell by the color of my blood that I wasn’t where the computer said I was from because my blood would be blue. By the time I left I was completely calm.

2011-04-02T09:18:00.000-04:00

I wanted to share this beautiful poem I found recently that touches on adoption:

Just the Same

Sometimes--
God sends rain
Straight from the sky
To nourish the young flower
and it grows.

Sometimes--
God sends rain from the sky
To the mountaintops,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the flower
and it grows, just the same.

Sometimes--
God sends a child
Straight from His realm
Into a mother's arms
and love grows.

Sometimes--
God sends a child
From heaven to another's arms,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until he reaches the arms of his mother
and love grows, just the same.

By Diana Lynn Lacey

moon photos

2011-03-29T13:56:00.000-04:00

Remember way back on March 19th when there was a full moon? Well I had heard that it was closer than it had been in a long time and that it would appear 14% larger and 30% brighter than a normal full moon. So I got out my tripod and decided to try taking pictures of it.

The only problem was that it was really cloudy. So while there was nothing to take pictures of, I took the picture above, trying to get some of my settings right for night-time shots. (That's looking in my window;)

The settings for night photography are so different than what I'm used to! I know I still have a lot to learn, but it was pretty humbling to try to get shots of the moon. And it was frustrating because the clouds would part and I'd have a minute or so to fool around with my settings and snap away. And my hands were freezing and finally I went inside to get a flashlight so I could actually look at my camera while I was trying to figure it out in this new way. I don't know how many pictures I took. This one is overexposed, but I thought it still looked pretty cool.

Then I switched my white balance and took my flash exposure comp all the way down to -5! I got one picture before the clouds overtook the moon:

The clouds never gave way again. So the next night I wanted to try it one more time with what I learned. I went out to the corner of my property because the trees were in the way, but then the horse across the street was totally freaked out by all my little beeping noises. I thought she was going to jump over the fence and trample me. So I went to the other end of my property as far away as I could get from her and took some more pix. I'm not sure how I could have made them better, but I'm sure I could have some how.

When I got them on my computer, I noticed that I took a series of shots without moving the tripod in under a minute and it was crazy how much the moon traveled in that short amount of time. So I did a multiple exposure of them in Picasa:

And when my son saw that, he told me I had to blog about it. (Which I thought was funny for a 9 year old to say.)

I love a good full moon.

some good moments over the past couple weeks

2011-03-28T11:01:00.000-04:00

When the snow melted enough that I could see life emerging. Hello, spring. (Thank the heavens.)

This smile.

Her verbal expression is constantly amazing me. She just turned two and she is expressing herself so well that it makes me laugh every day.

For example, the other day she told me she wanted to eat, so I grabbed some leftover macaroni from the fridge and I leaned down and showed it to her and said, "Okay, here's some macaroni. Does this look good to you?" She grabbed a noodle and stuck it in her mouth and went, "mmm. I yike it." (her L's sound like yyyyy's (or ll's in spanish;)). I said, "All right, let me spoon it into a bowl and I'll warm it up for you." And as she climbed onto a chair at the table , with every word anunciated and perfectly spaced out, she said, "No, I yike it yike that. I want to eat it cold."

wwhhhaaaa? How old are you? I just laughed and let her eat it cold.

The other day in the car, the girls were grumpy, and I often sing to them and it seems to help. So I was musing to myself, "Hmmmmm. What should I siiiiiiinnnnng..." and she says, "a want aaa aaah flowers are naughty." Which I understood perfectly. She wanted me to sing In the Leafy Treetops. Here are the lyrics:

In the leafy treetops the birds sing good morning.
They're first to see the sun, they must tell everyone.
In the leafy treetops the birds sing good morning.

In my pretty garden the flowers are nodding.
"How do you do," they say, "how do you do today."
In my pretty garden the flowers are nodding.

Those naughty flowers. They should know better.

Don't think me horrible, but when the last two went down with this stomach bug, I was relieved that the end was in sight. That was a long, hard and horrible thing. I am grateful for good health.

I never tire of the beauty of nature.

That little munchkin dragged that huge chair over there. That cupboard has vitamins (which she loves!) and other things that I don't want her to reach. (Like marshmellows.) I am running out of places that these two year olds can't get to.

Morning light.

Yesterday, #4 started crying uncontrolably and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I was getting annoyed when my boy said, "I think she's scared of Al Capone!"

Then came the series of questions: Are you scared? Does that guy scare you? You don't like Al Capone?

Her reply: That guy scares me. I don't yike him.

My boy has been working on a school project about Al Capone. He has been doing lots of research and made an Al Capone from a hot chocolate can. (Index cards with facts about Al go inside.)

This was serious business. She didn't want anyone touching her baby dolls while she fed them.

Can you tell how much I love instagram? It's like the perfect visual journal for me. I always have my beloved iphone around and can just snap a picture. I also got a cute video of this little snack time--I put it on youtube so I could show you:

Here's to a good week!

xo
Britt

pure & true

2011-03-22T13:21:00.001-04:00

pure & true: original mixed media on canvas board 12x16 (sold)
prints available in my shop (soooooon).

I'm just over here staying super-duper busy!

Just wanted to say hello.

& happy spring!

Let's talk about ADD

2011-03-18T07:55:00.000-04:00

From the perspective of a girl with ADD/I. (Inattentive, not hyperactive. Prone to daydreaming, not taking over the show.)

*For the farmers out there: I am not a doctor, these are just my thoughts. (The hunters knew that instinctively and that was good enough for them.) (You’ll get that after you read this post, of course.)

I have ADD. Sometimes I feel the need to explain myself. You know, if somebody gives me that look and I get that feeling that maybe they think I’m a little off.

I’m happy to be content in my own world, doing things my own way. When something inspires me, it’s all I want to do. They say Attention Deficit, but really my attention is only deficient in areas that don’t spark my interest. But the good news is that I have noticed that as I get older, I’m interested in a LOT more than I used to be. Maybe line upon line?

I have ADD and I have kids with ADD. One time my pediatrician gave me the parable of the farmer vs. the hunter. I will relay it to you here in my own words:

Long ago, there were two ways a man could provide food for his family.

One way was to become a farmer. A farmer takes pride in his crop. He knows what seeds he will plant and plans ahead for the next year. He prepares his soil. He readies his fields. On the right day, he starts sowing and his seeds are set in long, straight lines. He works with intent and follows his plan closely as he waters his crop every day. Watching the crop grow and stretch toward the sun is satisfying and rewarding and he finds beauty in the harvest of his symmetrical creation.

The other way a man can provide food for his family is to become a hunter. When a hunter is ready, he makes his way to the woods and acts on instinct. There is no exact routine to follow, so he takes his cues from the things he sees and feels around him. He uses his senses and his intuition. He understands the way the animals move and what drives them. He watches for their tracks and finds food and water sources. He knows when he is getting closer and the exhilaration of all things coming together feels right. The reward of meat to feed his family is satisfying and his love and appreciation for nature move him.

Both are right. Neither is wrong.

Perhaps a farmer would get frustrated not to have a plan. It might make him uncomfortable. Maybe he would worry that if he hasn’t planned ahead then he isn’t being responsible and if there isn’t a plan, then how can his family rely on him to provide? It would cause anxiety and be unsettling to live life on a whim.

Most likely a hunter would feel weighed down by a sense of monotony at having to abide by the strict guidelines of the farmer’s life. There would be an underlying restlessness because he is not relying on his instinct. There is nothing to inspire his spirit in straight lines and no surprises. Watering the same plot of land every day with nothing varying might feel oppressive and unnatural.

I tell my children that there is nothing wrong with them. Their brains are perfect. They are smart. They are just trying to fit into something that doesn’t come naturally to them. They are hunters living in a farmer’s society.

It can be harsh and depressing. It can make you wonder what is wrong with you—everyone else seems content and thriving. So why does it feel so incredibly difficult to adhere to a strict schedule of school and learning, a place where rules and regulations take precedence over inspiration and intuition? Because it is not natural for everyone to live like that.

Sometimes, while living in a farmer’s society, I behave like a hunter. When I get that look I want to say, “Hey, I’m a hunter, okay?” But instead I say apologetically, “I have ADD.”

Since starting my blog way back when, I have been open about my experience with ADD. In the past couple years I have had a surprising amount of people email/call/comment/etc to ask me questions about it and see if they can help themselves or understand someone they love a little better. I have a lot to say about it! So as requested, here is the first of a series of posts from my perspective. Every body is different, so my experience won’t be everyone’s experience, but I guess it’s my attempt to kick the stereotypes of ADD out the door and help the good peeps be a little more understanding of those of us that endure its daily battles. If you have any specific questions that you would like to hear my perspective on, feel free to leave them in the comments or email me—I’d be happy to oblige.

xoBritt

light.er

2011-03-16T11:03:00.001-04:00

It’s the greyest and rainiest day. And I feel great. I am standing in the middle of such an enormous mess. I am dirty and I need a shower.

But, by golly, wouldn’t you know it? (I don’t ever remember saying “by golly” but it seems that today it fits.) It’s the first day that I feel clear in so long! I feel hopeful and even though I have a lot of work to do, all the sudden I feel capable of doing it.

When I feel blue I get quiet because I don’t want to be that downer kind of girl. The complainer. Because I know things are supposed to be fine. I know I am blessed and there is no reason to feel so badly.

I’ve had people tell me that I blame my ADD for things that I shouldn’t. That I lean on it a little or make it into an excuse.

Now I’m realizing that the people who have made that assumption don’t have ADD.

I’m not trying to say that every time I’m down it’s because of my neurons misfiring; I’ve had a lot that I’ve been dealing with lately. Stuff that I’ve wanted to share here but can’t for whatever reason. One big reason is because literally EVERY time I sit down at the computer, when I return my awareness to my surroundings, something has been trashed. My folded laundry has been thrown about; the toilet water has somehow found itself covering the bathroom floor, rug and my babies’ clothes; the food pantry has been invaded and its contents been trod upon; someone has started screaming for whatever reason; I have to break up a fight; the cat food has been dumped out; the kitty litter has been scooped by a two-year-old (yikes!!!); you.name.it.

Even right now. I have left the computer while typing this at least a dozen times.

It’s simply exhausting.

You might be thinking, Brittany, why do you have five children? That is a good question to which I don’t have a cut and dry answer, and I’m simply not willing to go there. I am accepting that as part of my plan; part of how my life is supposed to be, and I’m ready to figure it all out in the middle of chaos.

Moving on. I was just considering why I feel better today and I think there are several reasons.

I’ve been sick and I feel a lot better today. Tired, but much better. (Someone unplugged the monitor so I have no idea if the babies woke up crying in the night and I am grateful that no one was vomiting their guts out like the previous night because I would have had no idea. I realized at about 7:00 that that fuzz I was hearing was just plain fuzz, not the fan in the babies’ room.)

Another reason: a while back my doc cut my ADD meds in half because my blood pressure went up. All is balanced and today I went back on the full dose. Just knowing that I was going back on the full dose lifted my spirits! Just the knowledge that I wouldn’t be completely overwhelmed for my entire day was such a relief!

That’s when I realized that if there is judgment from well-meaning lovely people, it is simply because they don’t understand the constant never ending battle of ADD. I am well aware of the bad rap that ADD gets and I wish I could wad it all up like a piece of trash and throw it in the garbage. Kick it to the curb.

I think I’ve babbled enough for today. All I meant to say is that I feel lighter. I feel hopeful.

And that feels good.

remorse

2011-03-13T11:47:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago I woke up thinking about a man who I love. He made such a positive impact on my life. He guided me through a time in my life when I was limp and directionless and angry. He gave me counsel and it was good counsel.

He saw me.

He saw what I needed and gave it to me without any expectations.

I couldn’t get him out of my head. I was going to see his daughter at church and I would tell her what an impact he had made on my life and what a powerful example he is to me. I would tell her how much I love him. I would ask how he is doing.

Church came and went and I was so wrapped up in my mommy duties that it never happened.

Over the next week he popped into my head over and over. I thought about his huge hands and how he is like my personal giant. I made my children shake his hand and notice how tiny their hands seemed compared to his. I thought about his consuming hugs that were enveloping and safe. One time after one of his hugs, I saw Jake later in the day and he knew exactly who I had been hugged by because his smell lingered on me. We both giggled and talked about him affectionately.

Another week came and went and I didn’t get in touch with him or his family.

Yesterday I found out that he had died suddenly.

I am so heartbroken. I can’t stop thinking of his beautiful family and wishing I could offer some kind of comfort.

I am so sad that I never acted on my promptings.

It may sound heartless to some, but in times of death I am usually saddened, but I also feel such peace and happiness because of my belief that they are in a place of progression and joy. I have always found it easy to move past the sadness into a kind of celebration for their life.

But right now, I feel undone and ashamed. I feel such painful regret that I didn’t let him know that I saw him, too. I let him down.

restyled and upcycled gifties

2011-03-08T21:26:00.000-05:00

One of my oldest, dearest friends became a mom again. She and her hubs adopted a son and I am so thrilled for her and her little family. As the time was getting nearer, I started making things for her little guy.

Don't you love how when you are making something for someone you love, they are in your thoughts the whole time you are working? It was almost like the old days when we actually lived close to each other.

I made her some of my favorite things. The best burp cloths ever.

I recieved a bunch of these before I had the twins and they were astounding! I'll do a post with a tutorial--super duper simple, but how I loved them.

The back of this little quilt is an XL shirt that was free and didn't fit anyone. Really, I just didn't want to drag the kids to the fabric store. (That's how I get a lot of creative ideas: from being overwhelmed/lazy: how can I get what I want without leaving the house? Then I scavenge. ) I like how you can tell it's a shirt on the back of the quilt, how fun is that. (Can you tell I'm a crappy seamstress from these pictures? But I don't let that stop me. No, because quilts are used to stay warm or keep a baby off the floor, so who cares if the seams are straight? Not me.)

I did a onsie like the ones here because you can never have enough onsies. And hats. Hats are just cute. Although I found out that these hats are to darn big for the tiny little guy.

That brown one is upcycled/restyled from an old sweater. I googled how to do it and I could not believe how simple it was. The hardest part was the first cut of the sweater. Does that happen to you? That hesitation...am I SURE I won't wear this again? What if I mess it up? JUST CUT IT ALREADY!

Speaking of restyle, I thought I'd post a picture of this crazy little number:

Hey, I'm not complaining. I love a girl who's not afraid of a little color (or a lot of color). We get spoiled rotten with the best hand-me-downs. She had several cute striped long-sleeved shirts that she never wore and I couldn't figure out why. So I added some yummies and they became her favorites! I used old clothes and fabric scraps and made a simple fox.

Much bettah. Isn't it freeing when your clothes help express who you are?

I think she likes it;)

I love my instagram app

2011-03-02T13:39:00.003-05:00

me and my littlest girl in the snow

There is always a lot going on around here. But now it's March. And I'm starting to remember that every March I start to come alive again out of my winter's hibernation.

I realize that I've been a stranger around here, so I'm going to post a bunch of pictures from the past week or so. They are from my instagram app (which I deleted the first time I downloaded it, but now I see the vision;).

Reading to two of her little sisters before bed

The light is changing: the sun was going down way to the left of this window and behind a big pine tree that blocked its light. But now it has shifted and that time of day stirs something inside me. Something good. I notice it every spring and get so excited that the days are getting longer.

fresh tastes good

nest: a place of retreat , rest, or lodging ...it's true, that spot feels like that.

Watercolor painting. It's the last craze. That hair really is pink. Just for fun.

waiting for the bus

post cards to my long lost friends

2011-02-22T13:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Motivation,

Wish you were here,

Xo

Brittany

Dear Exercise,

I miss you so much. Sometimes when I’m driving I see people running and it makes me think of the fond memories I have of our times together. I need your endorphins. I also miss the extra energy that strangely comes from starting your day with expending energy you didn’t know you had to begin with. It’s like a little mystery we can solve together in the future.

I do believe we’ll be together again someday.

Love,

Brittany

Dear Escape,

I keep trying to find you. Then just when I’m headed toward you, reality kicks my backside. I daydream about you. Don’t get me wrong, Escape, I love my reality (sometimes), but when I girl is deprived of you it’s like forcing her to walk through an endless winter with no hope of Spring. It can get a little frightening.

I hope all is well with you,

Brittany

a love letter: this is my version of shouting it from the rooftops

2011-02-14T16:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Valentine,

I don’t care what people say about love not lasting. Mine does; it has; it will continue. Don’t give me statistics about the possibility of failure or about how most marriages aren’t happy. I don’t care what they say about chemestry or lust or age. None of it matters because this is you and me and our love and experience transcends any statistic or history.

I am committed to this. To us. To you. To you and me. You are committed and I know it because I can feel it. I took a leap of faith and threw all my eggs in one basket when I chose to wake up next to you and only you every day for the rest of my life and on into the eternities that we can only imagine. It’s the single best choice I’ve ever made. It has effected every second of every day and will continue to make everything better forever more.

Because of you.

I owe you my happiness. I owe you everything I have, everything I am. All my joy.

If the whole world came crashing down around me tonight, I would never be able to deny the truth that love heals. Love makes us better. Love changes everything. Your love has made me into something more that what I was on my own.

Our love is stronger than all our faults put together. Stronger than any temptations. Our love is stronger than any failure.

When we were about to get married I remember someone talking about how they loved their spouse more after years of marriage than they did on their wedding day. I couldn’t imagine the thought of loving you more; I already loved you more than my soul could contain. But now I think I understand what they meant a little better. Our love has become an old love. Something deep and multifaceted. Something complex and simple all at once. Something that surpasses hormones and disaster or joy and excitement. It is steady and strong and ever-present.

I. Love. You.

Always,

Your Valentine

So far in the past two hours

2011-02-09T11:21:00.000-05:00

...my 2 year old daughter has sprinkled an entire shaker of sugar and cinnamon all over the first story floor, found a wet diaper in the trash and thoroughly inspected it, dumped all the toys out of the baskets, found a baggie of googly eyes (she learned how to get in the junk drawer??) and dumped them out and chewed on half of them, covered the bathroom floor with water, colored over her body and clothes (brand new for her birthday!) and the counter with permanent marker and bit her sister twice.

And that’s just one of them. (The other one is licking the sugar and cinnamon off of the floor and I’m just going to let her do it.)

You may think me neglectful, but I don’t care—I’m too tired to write down all the intercepted attempts of destruction.

Please excuse me—I have to go because she is now attempting to get the permanent marker off the counter with Windex. (fyi: the only thing I’ve found effective is aerosol hairspray. Spray it right onto the marker and wipe off. Truly amazing.) (Do any of you know how to get it off of skin or fabric??)

restyled: a tutorial

2011-02-08T20:52:00.000-05:00

I wanted to show you how I made a cute baby bonnet style beanie from an old baby sweater that was stained pretty badly.

Here is the sweater before...kind of. (I had already used parts of it for another project.) I like the ruffly edge and thought it would be cute around a sweet little face.

I folded it in half , inside out, with the seams matching up together. The seams make a good edge: they won't unravel when you cut the sweater. Since this was a tiny sweater, I went all the way up to the the arm hole seam and sewed a straight line from the seam to the fold of the sweater, making a right angle with the seams in the sweater and my sewing.

Then I cut it out and turned it right-side-out. I made a pom pom and cut some strands of yarn to make ties. (If you don't know how to make a pom pom, they are super simple. Just google "pom pom tutorial" and I'm sure plenty of instruction will be right at your fingertips.)

I just used a crochet hook to grab the yarn and work it through.

I used six strands of yarn; doubled makes four strands in each bunch when you braid it.

I wanted to embroider something simple + happy...

attach the pom pom and voila!

I tried it on one of the smallest heads in my house before sending it to my new niece. Yes, it's a little too tiny, but it was still satisfying to get the idea of how it will frame that sweet new face...

xo
Britt

color your own valentines

2011-02-08T11:51:00.000-05:00

hello, lovebirds. Don't you just love celebrating LOVE? It's such a happy thing.

Unless your lovah gives you nasty chocolates instead of nuts and chews. (hint, hint. wink, wink.)

I always like something nice and simple like tulips. I don't need all the bells and whistles; I feel lucky in love and I have my awesome Mr. Soucy to thank for that. He is the best and I'll just stop right there because he doesn't like when I talk about him here. He's a little shy that way.

What do you guys like to get for valentines day? What do you get for your valentine? Do you have a tradition you'd be willing to share in the comments??

Here's one more installment of "color your own valentines" for you. Less tha week left! Remember you can go here to print any from the whole collection. (Only for your personal use, please;)

xo
Britt

I wasn’t just whistling Dixie in my post below.

2011-02-07T14:36:00.001-05:00

Please forgive my anti social behavior. Let’s not think about that—let’s just move right along as if there were nothing wrong with dropping off the face of the earth. (After all, it may happen again at any moment.)

Today is my sister’s Birthday! Happy Birthday Brooke!!

For one of her birthday presents she came to visit me! I don’t know how I got so lucky as to receive such a great gift when it was HER birthday, but I hope to receive that way again someday. I was worried that she would freeze since she’s accustomed to the hot dry climate of Arizona now, but she seemed fine with our vast amount of snow and ice. When she was talking to her husband (love) on the phone she was telling him that when we were driving to pick up the kids from school all these men were up on the roofs of their houses shoveling off the snow. It sounded so strange coming from her mouth. Her youngest daughter (love) was wondering how we get in and out of our house with so much snow. Sometimes it’s entertaining to see scenes of your life through someone else’s eyes.

Jake on the roof:

Here's a few attempts at the timer. I think I need to focus on the right thing and then push the button. I also need to learn to make the timer a bit longer than 2 seconds--that's not long enough to run back to the group!

(I think it was a mistake to put the baby in my other arm, because she seems to have disappeared completely!)

Brookie, we loved having you here!! A weekend simply wasn't enough Brooke time. We miss you already.

Some of the other things that have kept me anti social these past couple weeks:

~My mom came to visit. We had the best time being snowed in with her around. The kids only had one and a half days of school that week. Bonus that their grammie was around. For some odd reason I didn't take pictures while my mommy was here.

~My babies turned two!

~My two-year-olds are behaving like two-year-olds. They are so much more TWO when there are two of them. Yikes. (In other words, I’ve been a little crazy in the head. It has seemed I’ve had to try harder than normal to feel like my happy self.) (But then in the same breath I feel bad for writing that because I love my life and I feel so incredibly blessed!)

And that's all I have time for today. The wee ones have awakened...

just call me Hermit Britt

2011-01-25T20:21:00.000-05:00

I've gone into hibernation mode. I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to go out. I just want to hunker down and drink hot chocolate and watch some good flicks and watch it snow...and snow...and snow. It is January in New England, after all.

35 before 36

2011-01-24T09:38:00.004-05:00

I've had this done for a while, but I've had a hard time getting the stuff done that I intend to get done so I hadn't posted it yet. So even though it seems personal to me and kinda makes me feel vulnerable, I like the accountability it gives me when I post it here.

My birthday is right before Thanksgiving and it took me until after Christmas to finish this list! After a while I figured out what the problem was. I kept wanting to think big, because I know that things really happen when you put the intention out there. The problem is that I know what it takes to go for big, and just thinking about thinking big was exhausting because of the phase of life that I happen to be in. So I changed my paradigm about how I want to make goals for myself and my family this year: I choose balance. I choose to find a way to rest/relax/de-escalate/breathe. I choose to allow growth by releasing my expectations. I choose to simplify.

So I started making goals to fit this new shift. Goals that allow/force relaxation and fun. Goals that help me get back to the basics. Goals that help me keep a balance and allow me to strengthen myself for the long haul; to nourish myself so I have something to give. You know what I mean?

Here's to the wisdom and beauty of aging. Seriously, it really is awesome and I'm so happy that I can find beauty in it when it seems like so many can't. It's like a little secret hidden treasure.

Cheers!

1. Learn to felt
2. get a family picture
3. take a class
4. practice more yoga
5. ride a horse
6. get a new dress that makes me feel pretty
7. twenty paintings
8. meet Norah (my new niece)
9. teach a class
10. finish painting the bathroom!
11. visit a local attraction
12. ~~take the kids on a train~~
13. go out to a movie (maybe a double feature!)
14. be active..start running again..lift weights..
15. read my scriptures (or listen)
16. knit something
17. take the kids on a hike
18. clean out my closet
19. do my visiting teaching
20. ~~jump in a lake~~
21. read on the hammock
22. represent in a gallery
23. design fabric
24. wander aimlessly
25. finish that book
26. be creative every day
27. go to a yummy concert
28. plan a trip and GO
29. learn more about Noetic Science
30. project 365
31. sew something
32. make a fairy house
33. paint a mural
34. figure out daily balance
35. become a member of local art association
36. send thank you cards

(yes, I realize I did one too many. perhaps I felt guilty for taking it so easy on myself;)

creative juice and color-your-own valentines

2011-01-16T04:38:00.000-05:00

I’ve had a lot of creative juice flowing lately. So much that I am annoyed with all the things getting in my way. Like sleeping and eating and bathing. Besides the fact that I have five children to take care of. I have been painting during nap time (any other time just doesn’t work—they all want to join in, and that just doesn’t work!), and in between all the rest of it, I’ve been carrying around yarn and hooks, cutting and ripping and sewing fabric (I have had a bunch of fabric set aside for at least five years thinking that I would like to make a quilt for our family room and I couldn’t wait any longer), drawing and journaling, making baby gifts for the next round of babies in my life, and I’m a little obsessed with the idea of “restyling”. I’ve always loved the idea of using what is available; non-consumerism, getting creative with decorations around the house, making what I can out of what I have, but the idea that it’s actually the trendy, “green” thing to do means that there are ideas flowing all over the place. Now that it’s hip and cool to re-use/up-cycle/alter/make-do/whatever you want to label it, the sky is the limit;) It also means that there are millions of ideas on the world wide web and it’s too much awesome-ness.

So of course I haven’t had time to do it all, but I’m bursting with readiness. And for every single thing I’ve started, I’ve had a bunch of inspirations. What’s a girl to do? How will there ever be enough time?

First things first: I have the first color-your-own valentines of the season for you. Click on it, print it out on card stock, have a color fest. I tried to keep them a bit more simple—last year they took forever to color in, but they were fun! They are still available here.

I have lots of ideas still, so we’ll see which ones make it onto paper and into the scanner.

Happy creating, people!

xo
B

winter storm: a picture story

2011-01-13T09:31:00.000-05:00

This morning, waiting for the school bus:

Okay, I have about 20 things started, but I haven't finished any of them. When I click "publish" I will be starting the finishing part of all these things. Then I can go start more stuff! :)

XO
B

drumroll, please

2011-01-07T21:14:00.000-05:00

I have something to tell you.

I have an article in the current issue of Somerset Life Magazine!

I was feeling like it wasn’t really going to happen. Like something would fall through. Like it wasn’t for real, maybe I just dreamt the whole thing. Why should I be in a magazine as beautiful as Somerset Life?

But I looked inside and there it was! My words and pictures in print!

I’ll even share my dweeb moment with you. While at Barnes & Noble I decided to buy the girls a little treat (they liked the looks of the m&m blondie) and a water along with my magazine and when I went to pay, the cashier was looking the magazine over while waiting for my card and I said, “I’m IN that!” She was like, “…oh, mmm hm.” So I went a step further and opened it up and held it up blocking her view from anything else and said, “See? That’s me!” (With a mouth wide open and eyes round as saucers to really geek her out completely.) She smiled and gave me a little, “wow,” as I took the ceramic mugs away from the girls who had grabbed them up from the display in front of the register and were about to drop them on the ground. Then I clumsily strolled my babies away, bumping that huge unruly stroller into a nearby table. But I didn’t care. I had just bought a pretty magazine with my own stuff in it. And my stuff added to the pretty. Oh, happy day.

So anyway, I’d now like to give you my thank-you speech: I’d like to thank all of the little people (you know who you are) for making me feel like a star. Now that I’m, like, almost as big as C Jane and stuff, I’m sure I’ll be speaking at lots of important blogging events in the near future. If any of my adoring fans are dying to witness my greatness in person, just be patient: there’s enough of me to go around. But just barely.

No, but really, part of what the article is about is how awesome this little bloggy tribe is. How I feel like I have really found a sense of community. I feel wrapped up in support here, and it’s a safe place for me to be myself. What a gift! I love you guys!

Xo

Britt

Let’s talk about something that no one wants to talk about.

2011-01-06T10:25:00.001-05:00

Becoming a nit picker.

nit 1 (nɪt)

— n

1. the egg of a louse, especially when adhering to human hair

2. the larva of a louse or similar insect

One day not so long ago the school nurse called my friend. Okay, just kidding, she called…me. To tell me that head lice was going around in the school and that one of my children had it. To be safe I should treat the whole family.

I immediately started scratching my head.

And then I ran to the pharmacy to get lice treatments. Everything on the schedule went out the window and I cleaned in a frantic frenzy.

I cleaned and scoured and put chemicals on my children. In order to clear our name and our heads, I did all the things that I was supposed to do according to the leading information out there. We were lice free.

Until the next week when we weren’t any more.

What?!?

Did you know that a louse can run up the shaft of a hair? Well it can, and super fast, too! Did you know that its’ eggs (nits) are glued to your hair shaft about a half-inch from your scalp? And they are very small and hard to see. And a person has a lot of hairs to look through. So in other words, when you become the nit picker, you spend HOURS looking through hair, and if you miss even ONE tiny egg hidden on ONE strand of hair, then you will be re-infested.

Now that I am a lice expert (ah-hem), I thought I should bestow some of my vast wisdom and knowledge to whomever may be out there, wandering the internet and wondering, “How in the world should I handle this lice situation?” Because let me tell you, by the fourth time that you are “lice free” and you see your kid across the room scratching her head with a comb like there’s no tomorrow, you do not have the same reaction as you did when the school nurse calls to break the news. You can’t run around like a crazed lunatic every day of your life.

So take a deep breath. You can do it. Slow and steady wins the race.

I learned that the kits at the pharmacy are not very effective. The reason they are not effective is because you are putting pesticides/chemicals on your head that kill the bugs, but do not kill the eggs. When the egg hatches, it crawls out into the chemical residue and becomes immune. So over time, lice have adapted, but they can’t make the chemicals any stronger because we are putting this right on our heads!

I learned that lice can hold their breath for a pretty long time. (Hey, I’m not a scientist here.) So my friend told me about the olive oil trick. I was skeptical, but willing to try anything and I liked the idea of using something natural. The idea is to smother the bugs. You douse the hair from root to tip in olive oil and put it in a swim cap or shower cap and leave it on for 2 hours. (You can leave it on longer if you want, but it seemed to be long enough.) The kids would be doing their homework or playing while the bugs were suffocating. (waa ha ha ha haaa!) And then after a shower to wash the olive oil out we would put on a movie for the kids to watch while the Mr. and I would nit pick. This takes hours!

Another friend told me about licekiller.com and I bought a kit (which was pricey!) out of desperation but I refused to expedite the shipping because I had already paid dearly. So in the week it took to get to me I kept on with the olive oil and we were lice free.

Until we weren’t. Again.

But this time it was a child that hadn’t been infected in over 2 months, so we figured out after extensive questioning that he had gotten it from his classroom. This time we had Lice Killer on our side. It was pretty much the same process as the olive oil treatment but with essential oils in it and a nit glue dissolver spray. I am still going back and forth about whether it was necessary or not. Although the comb was indispensible!!!!

Everyone wants a definitive answer: Are you lice free? Yes or no.

But it’s not that simple. We were lice free a lot. Until we weren’t. Every time I was sure we were done, we weren’t. Even now, I know that there are bugs out there. They are still walking around on people’s heads. Clean people’s heads! But I know that if any catch a ride home to our house again, I will never again buy lice treatment at the pharmacy.

Here are some interesting things you might not know about lice:

-Lice can’t jump

-They only live on human heads

-They don’t like dirty hair (At one point I was thinking that I might ban bathing in an attempt to scare them all away. Alas, I couldn’t hold out, so bathe we did.)

-The kits you get at the drug store are only 20% effective and they DON’T kill the nits

-Did you get that? 80% INEFFECTIVE. And they don’t kill the eggs!

-The lice have become immune to the pesticide since the egg hatches and the nit crawls out into chemical infested hair

-If you miss even one nit, you will get re-infested

Here are some tips that have helped us get rid of the little buggers:

-Use tea tree shampoo (lice don’t like the smell and will find a better smelling home)

-Blow dry your hair

-Wash and dry pillowcases, winter hats and anything that is in direct contact with the offending head frequently (like once a week, the same day as treatment)

-Put stuff in the dryer (lice can’t live in hot environsputting a pillow in the dryer will kill them)

-Vacuum a lot (you are trying to get rid of hairs that have may have shed with a nit attached.)

-Put brushes and combs through dishwasher or boil them

-Take stuffed animals and pillows and other things that could have been infected with lice but can’t be put through the washing machine into trash bags and put them in a garage or basement or somewhere away from the living area for 2 weeks

-Educate your children about how to avoid spreading or receiving lice (don’t share hats or brushes or hair accessories with your friends; keep long hair tied back or braided; avoid contact with an infected person’s head or pillow…)

-When you think you’re lice free, do another treatment that week anyway. And then another one the next week too. Because seriously—a lot of hairs + little tiny nits=re-infestation even when you’re clean and thorough.

Helpful links:

http://www.headliceinfo.com/20facts.htm
http://www.everydayhealth.com/skin-beauty-photos/11-things-to-know-about-head-lice.aspx
http://www.licekiller.com/

Good luck, my friends. (You’re gonna need it;)

My babies are turning two this month.

2011-01-02T22:37:00.000-05:00

They are fraternal. They shared my womb. Except for 48 minutes when “baby B” took her moment to stretch out and do a little Irish jig in there. (It could have been 45 minutes. It’s all a little fuzzy.)

Some people can’t tell them apart.

I don’t think they look very much alike.

They teach each other all kinds of good things. And bad things too.

They are like yin and yang. Opposites but in a good way, balancing each other out. We have Art and Science represented through them. We have extrovert and introvert. We have intuition and intellectualism. And because we see the contrast, it makes it more obvious.

Having twins is really entertaining. All day long I hear, “Mom, come see what the babies are doing!” We’re constantly imitating them and their cuteness.

Having twins is really messy. They’re like a little team of chaos makers. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the edge of insanity.

And then I remember how blessed and lucky I am and how much I really, really love them and it practically makes my heart burst from love and joy.

The other day one of them looked at me and smiled such a bright and genuine smile and focused in on me so I felt like I was the only thing in the world that mattered and said, “I la loo, mommy.” (Which, in case you didn’t figure that one out means, “I love you, mommy.”) Hello, beautiful being. Hello, person who depends on me to teach you how to BE. Hello, meaning of life.

Motherhood is so full of ups and downs; black and white; joy and pain; so full of opposition, so you can really feel the highs and lows. It is so full of opportunities to grow and learn and improve that it is ridiculous. It kind of takes over and makes you put stuff aside until you know whatever that thing is that is SO IMPORTANT that you are willing to fight for it and not let it disappear into the abyss.

Having twins has been kind of like having a bucket of icy water dumped over my sleeping body. Shock! Okay, I’m awake! I’m moving! There is no room for down time when you’re the mom of twins. I feel like I’ve lost touch with everything outside of my bubble and I just keep hoping that it will all be there when the dust settles.

I will be forever grateful for the blessing these two are in my life.

Here's to two crazy wonderful years; Happy Birthday month, girls!
(Now, will you please wake up happy tomorrow? Please?)

happy new year: a picture story

2011-01-01T10:15:00.000-05:00

We left the twins with our awesome babysitter and went out on the town...

my boy took lots of pictures...

resting happened.

she's hiding...

someone loves dresses...

...and I believe she will single-handedly bring back the poofy skirt. Like big time.

the T got crouded. Crouded enough that the conductor had to tell people to get off and wait for the next train. "please step away from the platform." Incidentally, while we were riding said train, some of our friends boarded randomly right where we were riding. That's just crazy. On the same car? In Boston? On New Year's Eve? So we caught up and wished each other a happy new year.

Haymarket

We celebrated with the Brits again this year. (7:00 our time) We made a lot of noise banging pots and pans and then made a toast with sparkling cider. Then we ate a yummy dinner and lit candles in the cake to say goodbye to 2010 and make a wish for 2011.

Hello, 2011. Nice to meetcha.

all dressed up.

2010-12-31T21:09:00.000-05:00

Once upon a plain old day, me and my little people made some stuffed animals. Recently the owner of this one asked me to make a dress. Because every pink bunny needs a dress to wear.

And so I did.

The dress part the sleeve of an old baby sweater. The yellow top is the front of an old button down shirt for a toddler. Crocheted straps and ta-da!

I giggled a lot while I made it. There's something wonderful about re-purposing stuff for such a little wearer.

december views

2010-12-30T13:33:00.000-05:00

did i mention we got a kitty?

meow.

been so busy!!!!!

xo
B

december views

2010-12-21T14:53:00.000-05:00

mama bear says, “grrrrrr”

2010-12-17T13:25:00.001-05:00

I feel good. I feel elated. I feel like a load has been lifted. I feel so much better. I feel hopeful. I feel excited.

I advocated.

That’s right. I played the mama bear and I found a way to let my kid be a kid a little longer. I found a way to make sure she is taken care of by contract. In an official capacity. By state mandate.

You see, I have a very smart 6th grader. But producing proof of learning can be challenging when you have ADD and processing issues and you attend public school where everything is done with the whole in mind; with the bell curve as your guide. Because not everyone fits into the same mold. (I don’t think we’re supposed to.)

Homework and school assignments that are supposed to take 20 minutes have been taking 1-2 hours and sometimes more, with me at her side aiding and helping and nudging and coaching and re-teaching. She was catching the bus before 7 am and still doing homework at 8pm. Her lunches were spent in the class rooms with teachers making up work that she hadn’t been able to complete, or finishing tests that the rest of the class could finish during class time.

Well, not any more, folks.

Now we have an official contract. A 504. People tried to fight against it or tell me it wasn’t necessary. I was told to hold off and try other things. But here’s the deal: every day that nothing was changed for her was a day that she struggled. A whole day that she had to work so hard to maintain, just to feel like a failure if she couldn’t finish. How many days does it take of feeling like that before a child will give up? I don’t ever want to find out the answer to that.

Today is the first day that there are new expectations. Today is the first day that three parties will have a duty to fulfill. The school, the parent, and the student. We were all trying to work together to begin with, but there is a “system” in the middle of it. There is the “They” that always gets in the way.

Do you know that they can’t/won’t do the testing (that already exists and is standing by) that would help us understand her processing issues because she is on the honor roll? That’s right; she would have to FAIL in order to qualify for the testing. She is on the honor roll because the girl cares. She has worked endless hours and put so much worry into her work hoping that her teachers would not think she was a slacker or that she didn’t care. It is incredible to me that someone has to fail in order to be helped. That seems backwards to me. Shouldn’t we be preventative? We should be helpful and hopeful and passing those good qualities on to our youth. We should be giving our children the tools they need to succeed. Instead they are failing in order to receive help. We are teaching our children to fail.

So now, the school’s job is to modify her assignments and they are required to give her more “kid time” by letting her go to lunch with her friends at least 3 days a week. My contract requires me to make her stop working on any given assignment after 20 minutes! I can’t fathom. She is required to advocate for herself by asking the teachers more questions (she hasn’t been asking).*

When she got home from school yesterday, I read her the contract and we both cheered and jumped up and down around the kitchen.

My kid can have time to be a kid! My intelligent child can prove that she is learning in a way that will not make her feel like she is a failure! It’s just the start, but it feels like a good one.

*There are a couple other details and I am paraphrasing some of it because I want to respect her privacy (not everyone is an open book like me;).

ps--for your information: she is not on ADD medication at this time. She has taken them in the past and last year she felt like she wasn't getting enough out of them considering the side effects that she was dealing with.

pss--go ahead, ask me questions. That's the only I way I figured out how I could help my girlie. I am happy to answer any questions you may have...

december views

2010-12-15T22:16:00.000-05:00

1. it's been cold here (I'm not complaining, I'm just sayin.)
2. she's my book lovin' page rippin' bread stealin' sweetie
3. we made them...the babies learned to say "candy. candy. candy."
4. I was hiding the candy candy candy in my bedroom. They found it. I found them. Right after taking this picture, the other candy stealin' fool fell off the bed and the candy candy candy house came tumbling after. I didn't take a picture.
5. Jake took this the other morning. The cereal had been left out after the bus came and I went to brush my teeth. He cleaned it up before I got to the kitchen because he loves me. He said that bowl had four layers of different cereal in it. (Yes, that is heavy cream. My son has taken to heavy cream on corn flakes. Yikes.) Maybe I should take more pictures of the messes; it is funnier later.

Man, I miss my camera.

love pot pie

2010-12-11T21:07:00.000-05:00

it's what's for dinner.

found.

2010-12-11T19:48:00.001-05:00

I found this video on my iPhone the other day while the kids were at school. Go ahead, push play--it's only 19 seconds long.

Sometimes I find random stuff around the house belonging to the little people I live with and it makes me laugh. Usually when it has to do with my son, it is pretty entertaining. I found this comic and I couldn't decide if I felt like laughing or crying...

why them? It's always them. I don't like to fight them. I like them. Not hate them.

In the Science section of his Christmas list (I didn't know they had even made Christmas lists! And adding "sections" is a brilliant idea...I should do a list with sections: around the house; in the kitchen, for my closet; for my entertainment; beautifying me; hobbies...) I noticed an interesting Christmas wish:

Yes. On the bottom there it reads: high voltage security system for my room.

I wonder if that would be for protecting his valuables from random burglars or for keeping his sisters out?

Now that I'm contemplating it, I don't blame him. In the past week, kitty litter has been brought into his room by the handful on several occasions. And that's just gross.

calendars for sale

2010-12-06T17:10:00.001-05:00

Hello friends,

I made myself and a few family members calendars last year and I loved mine so much that I just ordered new ones for 2011. I know, I'm running a little late; there are only 25 days until the new year! But I thought I'd print a few extra just in case any of you would like to order one.

The wall calendars are professionally printed with a spiral binding. They are nice and simple and pretty. I decided to make two versions this year.

Calendar 2011

click here if you want to see the images individually.

Calendar 2011::The Foodie Edition

Click here if you would like to see these images individually.

They are for sale at my etsy shop...there aren't very many, so grab one fast!

Love,
Britt

the realities of living with children

2010-12-03T20:50:00.000-05:00

Jake was finishing getting ready for work this morning and I looked up when he said, “Oh, my nerd.” He was pouring water out of his shoe.

The other evening while helping with mass amounts of homework for various children, my son walked past to sharpen his pencil and smacked me on the backside. “It jiggled,” he said. We all laughed and then everyone got off their seats to try it out. I ended up on the floor with little people on top of me trying to make me jiggle and me trying to prevent any jiggles.

Every time I put music on, my littlest tiniest girl twirls. Every time.

It's December and it's time for magic!

I've been meaning to tell you.

2010-11-29T09:16:00.000-05:00

My camera broke! Can you believe the nerve of that beloved instrument? I have to actually send it in! And pay money! And LIVE WITHOUT IT for 4 to 6 weeks!

Despair! Misery!

Actually it seems I'm in denial. It's been sitting here lifeless for several weeks and I can't force myself to take it in, and in the process of my denial, I'm forcing myself to live without it for even longer.

Pull yourself together, Brittany! Just take it in!

Okay, I think I've managed to imagine myself driving to the store with my children in tow and giving my camera to a man who will take it away from me and send it far, far away. But he promises to send it back to me all shiny and new and freshly clean.

Yes, I can see the day when my beloved instrument returns to me in the mail...at the shop? (Do I have to drag the kids back in to the store?? Again? It's so painful. It takes so much energy. I hardly have the energy to type this now just thinking about taking them all the way back to the store! Do you know what it's like with TWO squirming toddlers? They are strong. And loud, too! Maybe the other kids will be helpful?)

Okay, it comes to me in the mail.

And I'm so grateful! Almost as if it was meant to break, just so I could enjoy such a beautiful and newly perfect camera once more. And it was all worth it in the end.

Here's the last picture from my camera:

Isn't she cute?

See that little footprint?

2010-11-28T08:44:00.000-05:00

So cute.

Well, the cute person who made that footprint is about to send me to the loony bin. At this point I'd just be glad to get some alone time in my padded cell. Maybe some uninterrupted sleep?

She has boogers running down her face. She wants me to hold her, but then while I have her in my arms, she'll try to peel my hands off her, like really, mom? do you HAVE to be touching me?

Even though she keeps throwing all her food onto the floor, enraged, I still think she is sweet. And I know that she probably just feels like there is a big clump of sand in her diaper. Rubbing her biscuits raw.

Hello, 35. Nice to meetcha.

2010-11-24T09:59:00.000-05:00

Dear Thirty-Five,

Let’s just get this out of the way: I didn’t like you at first. I’m sorry, it’s true.

But I think it’s because you made me feel anxious. And it’s like when my daughter feels hurt or sad, she lashes out. I heard the sound of you with my name and it scared me. But here’s the thing—I don’t feel any different. I feel good. So you must not be so bad. Remember that show, Thirty-something? Well I don’t. I never watched it because it was for old people. At least they sounded old to me. But now I know. That’s not even close to old. Who knows, maybe if that show was on today I’d watch it. Maybe it would still be lame, but at least it wouldn’t sound so old.

So I’m in my late thirties. Do you know what happened when you and I became one? My beloved Mr. Soucy took the day off work and sent me to Boston. Just for the fun of it. Just me and my book on the train! Just me and myself looking at all those beautiful things at the Museum of Fine Arts. So, Thirty-Five, you can’t be so bad because that was rad.

You know what else? I’m in a good place. It has taken, well, thirty-something years to get here, but I like the feeling of knowing myself—the good and the bad—and loving myself anyway. I like the reality of wisdom and clarity. I’m sure there is more of that to come and I’m looking forward to it. Do you know what else I like? Perspective. I like knowing that things change and hard times come and go and good times are to be embraced and remembered. The seasons are whipping by so quickly these days and if there is a lot of rain, I know to just hang on and the sun will eventually come out. If I can’t go out to my barn and paint, just hang on and eventually I will have the time. There is peace in perspective. It’s hard to be patient, but still. You know what I mean, right?

I just wanted to let you know that I’m glad you’re here. I’m gettin’ all geared up for you, Thirty-Five. Let’s take it one day at a time, one goal at a time. You and me.

With love,

Brittany

granola bars

2010-11-17T11:19:00.000-05:00

Something I've been meaning to share...

I've been making home made granola bars and they are so yummy. I like knowing exactly what is in them (and what's NOT in them). It always seems a little easier to say yes to something sweet if it is made by Yours Truly.

I use Ina's recipe. Loosely. You know, I put in what I have on hand and what my littles will like. But mostly I copy Ina. Because I love her.

(number 12)

wordless wednesday::a few things that made me happy this week

2010-11-10T12:01:00.001-05:00

Translation: I'm thankful for...
everything.

Because it is special.

Each and every thing is special to my family.

Even the trees.
(6 years old)

a yummy sunday to you

2010-11-07T09:35:00.000-05:00

madsen

2010-11-05T21:18:00.000-04:00

Clicky there and I get entered to win a free one.

The thought of sticking all five children in a bucket and riding into the sunset puts a smile on my face. Piled high. Doing tricks. Maybe I could attach a high wire contraption and we could put on a show for the nieghbors as we ride by.

Or we could just sit there quietly and watch the scenery.

Either way, it sure would be grand to win one, no?

grateful friday : medicine rain

2010-11-05T13:57:00.000-04:00

As I help my first-grader with her homework, nothing I say is right. I try everything I can, every tone of voice, but no matter what is said or how it’s said, she is defensive and angry with me. I ignore her rudeness and take a deep, cleansing breath and try once more.

Nope.

As I begin the negative-talk inside my head about how I must be a horrible mother who makes her children feel bad about themselves, my brain rushes me to the past. Suddenly I am in southern Utah.

The bon fire filled the desert night with brightness, making the stars hard to see. There were people all around and they were focusing on me. I hate when lots of people are focusing on me. It makes me feel like hiding. I struggle to keep myself from running.

What would they see in me? This was my Naming Ceremony and they had thought about me and my qualities, my good and my bad; my strengths and my weaknesses. They had each thought about what I brought to the world and the people I come into contact with. I was a councilor to kids who needed help and understanding. Did I make a difference or did I leave The Field worrying about their struggles and trials every week for nothing?

The person I loved most in the world was in front of me. He looked like a desert nomad and I loved the ghost bead necklace and the shaggy hair and beard. My heart went soft and I struggled to focus on the words he was saying.

Medicine Rain. I am healing and wise. I am nourishing and life giving. I am like a medicine man of old, full of wisdom that heals those who need healing. I am like the medicine that goes into a body and fights the bad stuff hard enough that the body can heal. I am like water, hydrating all that is living and thirsty allowing life to flourish and grow. I am like the rain that falls from the sky and reaches everything, cleansing it and leaving it fresh and new.

My name is Medicine Rain. I am healing and wise. I am nourishing and life giving. I am gentle and kind.

I am back in my kitchen, the light casting its artificial yellow light through the room and the rain is coming down loudly outside. My darling girl sits working with a frown and a pencil with an eraser that has been all used up. She must be having a bad moment. I love her and she knows it.

I feel blessed that someone I trust with my life told me about myself. I’m grateful that he saw those things in me and told me about them. I’m happy that I choose him every day and I feel blessed that he still chooses me.

leg warmers

2010-11-02T14:17:00.001-04:00

what could be easier to make than little tubes to warm tiny legs?

I just measured around little thighs, cut some stretchy fabric, and sewed straight (kind of) in a zig zag stitch. Then I put them on and they played with string. I love that we live in a time that we can just cut stuff up and leave the seam showing and call it a "ruffle" of sorts, don't you? Now I'm going to go cut up some old sweaters and T-shirts to keep my babies warm this fall.

xo,
Britt

happy halloween!

2010-10-31T16:28:00.000-04:00

We went to my nephew's first birthday party yesterday morning. Check out what we were served...

green eggs, pumpkin pancakes, yum...

ghost toast

mummies
(These were sausages wrapped in phyllo. Who knew the hit of the party could be the undead?)

and hashed brains. (you should have seen our drink! wowza. disgusting AND delicious.)

It was so much fun! Happy birthday, little guy. We love you!

Later, the Halloween Fairy stopped by to say hello. I think some little girl must have attacked her face with face paint, but she seems fine with it.

Watch out, little fairy! Here's a scary mean guy! He's ready to attack!

Here we have two little garden gnomes who were watched over by a beautiful ocean. (that doesn't make any sense, I know, but that's how it all went down.)

I was going to put a coral reef and all kinds of ocean-life on this dress, but a woman can only do so much. She's a hard client to work for. She had a dress (which was much more complicated) all designed and sketched for me. It included the ocean on the bottom and trees and birds and sky on the top along with a really cool sun brooch made from toile that would rest on her shoulder and instructions to make it in a similar fasion that I made my curtains. Alas, this is what I gave her.

Oh, no! Here comes that mean scary guy again!

Okay, I think the gnomes took care of things.

Happy Trick or Treating!!

this is my tree over the past couple weeks...

2010-10-30T20:58:00.000-04:00

2010-10-28T20:59:00.001-04:00

getting ready for halloween, what aboutchooo?

happy friday

2010-10-22T13:09:00.000-04:00

I wonder if she learned this environmentally or if it's something that is passed down through her genetic code?

Notice how her big sister is immune.

The light has changed and there is absolutely no way that I can catch its magic with my camera. It is glowing. Even with the sky being dark grey, there is still a golden glow.

Okay, the babies are asleep, so I'm going to go lay down and rest and make a hat for someone...whomever it ends up fitting;)

on being human

2010-10-18T12:32:00.002-04:00

Curled up in the fetal position with my head and knees on the floor, snots and tears cover my face and my world seems dirty and desperate. Two little terrors in tutus come over and pull my shirt up enough to see my ink: goodness and virtue was tattooed on my skin in urgency during my 19th year of life to remind myself who I am just in case I forget someday. The little people start to whack away and to then rub my skin, saying, “Back! Back!”

I think of the hamster food, spread over the entire carpet. Stupid hamsters. What fool leaves hamsters at a church just so they will be rescued? If I decide I don’t have enough goodness and virtue left, I may dash the children’s hearts and desert the little rodents at the proper place: the SPCA.

I feel a mouth on my back. She drools on my skin and then rubs it around with her chubby hand. I’m too tired to care. I think about the highchairs. How could I have forgotten to collapse them? I know what happens—they get used as ladders to the mother load of chalk. What could be more fun to two toddlers than to cover every surface with pretty colors when mommy’s not looking? She bends and blows wet raspberries on my back and giggles. I peek out of my tears and see the reflection of the other one who is twirling in her tutu.

Is this the moment I inked my skin for? You are good. Your life has worth. You are loved. You love. The dirty floors and windows will be clean someday. (Even if it is when they are all grown and gone and I am so sad and lonely because the house is so quiet and clean all the time.) Everyone is always telling me to cherish these times because they are the easy times of motherhood, and the real challenges are yet to come. The bitter thoughts creep in. No. I will not think of that right now. I will pull myself together and take a deep breath. The sun is shining and the leaves have turned into something splendid. I will not think of all the millions of things that need doing that are not getting done. I will focus on the task at hand: remember who you are. You are a girl. You love the fall. You will show affection to your tutu clad babies and feed them lunch. You will open the dirty window and pray for peace as the fresh air comes in and cleanses your lungs.