I have a bad habit.

 

In the midst of my chaotic day, I find peace and have a moment of profound understanding about life and then I eat a piece of chocolate and get distracted with the chaos before I write anything down.  Anything at all. 

Does that mean that my learning is lost?  Does it help me in the long run?  I feel myself living more meaningfully, with more intention and love, so I know it’s not lost completely, but still.  I come to sit and write it down, and not any of the bits and pieces will come out.  It has dissipated itself in to the nooks and crannies of my brain and has become a part of me.  How, then can I find these moments of remembrance?  They are no longer aha moments, but part of who I am.  I can’t sit and write about who I am; that’s too big.  So I don’t write anything.

Maybe if I eat the chocolate after I write?  Maybe if I take a journal into the locked bathroom and steal a moment I could write a sentence or two…That would be a start.  I wonder what I would gain?  (I’ll try it, dear reader.  But don’t tell my kids; they will thwart my plans.  Especially if they find the chocolate.)

the conciousness of home

Last weekend two of my girlfriends and I went to New York City for a conference.  While we were in the city, we were among a constant throng of people and things made by people.  We were walking on pavement and tile, through hallways of polished marble and rough concrete.  We were walking among artists and engineers, writers and taxi drivers.  We were surrounded by a million energies. 

Nature is part of me and I have a hard time if I’m not connected to the earth.  But I could look up through the tunnel of stationary buildings and see the sky, alive with color, clouds sweeping past and leaving me dizzy. 

The weekend was such an incredible experience for me.  Not only was it inspiring and motivating because I was at a conference with authors and illustrators who are at the top of the game, but I was with two women who are spiritual beacons in my life.  Art and spirituality go together naturally within myself and tend to be done alone.  They can be isolating, but not in a negative way, in a concentrating-on-growth kind of way.  When I am growing spiritually, I am going inward.  I am private with things that are important to me.  Especially when I don’t know if the people around me feel the same as I do.  I’m not looking for approval or debates or proof, I’m searching for personal and universal truths that can be taken on faith.  My prayers are private.  My conversations with God take place Spirit to Spirit.  My answers to prayer are not seen or heard by others, unless I am the one putting them into words.

But this weekend there was constant discussion.  There were prayers spoken aloud and accepted as a group.  The depth of consciousness that was being shared brought a sharp joy that has stayed with me for days.

As we drove away from the city, the enormity of the skyline became smaller and smaller until the buildings became something tiny, reaching for the glory that cannot be tamed.  All at once I saw that something that had been engulfing me, an entire city, was nothing in comparison with something that was not made by human hands.  All that was left was the inspiration growing and steeping inside my soul and a feeling of gratefulness that someone as insignificant as I can be intertwined with God and Man alike.  Divinity and humanity surround us constantly and we get to call it Home.

you know who you are

You remember the story of the swan? 

Or the fowl who everyone thought was the ugliest duck ever? 

Here’s the thing: He wasn’t a duck.

All those times he was being teased and when he thought he didn’t measure up, how much would it have helped him to know who he really was?  When he felt so bad about himself that he was ready to give it all up? He saw those beautiful swans in the lake and came out from his hiding place thinking that they would peck at him, putting an end to his sad life.  But they recognized him for what he really was: a swan.  Something he didn’t even believe himself to be.  They accepted him instead of pecking him.
 

All along, he was a thing of beauty.  All along, he had a place he belonged.  All along, there was a time, when in maturity, he would be able to take to the sky.

The thing about it is that we can relate to the story.  We feel for the swan.  We want him to recognize the beauty he possesses.  “Look,” we want to say to him! “Look at your reflection in the lake! You are a swan!  You are beautiful!”

There are moments when I have felt trample and belittled.  I have done it to my own beautiful self at times with my negative self-talk and focusing on my failures. 

But I know who I am.

I am sacred.

I am divine.

Sometimes when you know who you are it helps you get through those hard times.  It helps you to recognize that when you are divine, you CAN.  You can dream and hope.  You can build.  You can create.  You can learn and grow and change.  You can be a beacon.  You can recognize the divinity in others and treat them appropriately. 

I made this painting as a little reminder.  Like looking at a reflection in the glassy lake

 

You know who you are, Sacred One. 

morning incandescence

 

Morning incandescence calls me out the door
to stand still, if only for a moment,
and breathe in its beauty.
Quickly, before the day starts
and the fleeting majesty gets sucked away
into the chaos that is called My Day.

We understand each other.

The kids have testing today at school and the teachers have requested that the kids get a good night sleep and eat healthy breakfasts.  After filling a water bottle and giving it to my son (several times), I brought it outside to him while he was waiting for the bus. He brought it in from outside and placed it on the counter.

 

Me: Hey, take your water bottle!

 

Him: If I take it, it will completely obliterate my chances of getting up to walk around during the test!

 

Me: Oh.  Yes.  You’re right.  Leave it here



He is now eleven years old.  Happy Birthday, son!

it's been a while.

Here is a brief (hahaha) list of some of the things that have happened in the past 4.5 months since I last posted.

·         I took a little internet break, not just a blog break.  I rarely got on my computer and I rarely picked up my camera.  But I had my iphone with me the whole time.  (Unless it was sitting in rice inside a baggie, drying out. Twice.)  So I’ll use my instagram pictures. Because that’s how my life has been. Instant. What is right now? In front of me?

·         Jake and I celebrated our 16 year anniversary.
 

·         Someone turned 8 and got baptized.

 

·         Someone also got stitches


 

 

·         My mom got remarried to Bill.

·         My dad got remarried to Therese.

·         I was a leader at Girls Camp (and got to be my daughter’s leader, to boot).

·         I took the kiddos to Phoenix to visit my sisters and their families

·         We had a family reunion in Mexico

·         We went to the beach lots

·         We picked stuff

·         We had visitors





 

      ·         School started again

• someone turned 40

 

·         There was a birth in the family

·         We had visitors again

·         I attended squam

·         We had more visitors

·         There was creative energy

·         There was beauty to be found

I know that even though that barely scratches the surface, it's a lot to throw into one post.  But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.  It's part of survival of the fittest.  And that, my friends is the biggest accomplishment: I've survived the past several months with 3 year-old twins at the caboose of my family.  It's enough to drive me to an early grave.  But if it does, friends, it will be because the love was simply too intense and I imploded with the stress of it all.

xox
Britt