Wednesday, October 5, 2005

night-time ramblings

Have you ever walked outside and the smell assaults your senses and takes you to another place and time? This happens to me quite often. I will walk out at night and the stars and the night air will hit me and add on to the memory bank of other nights that have felt just like this night. It even happens when I’m driving with the windows down. I’ll pass a wooded area that is thick with pines and I am brought into my childhood. Songs do the same thing to me. I’ll hear the lyrics and the tune and the rhythm and I am transported. Not only transported, but along with it comes this ache. My whole chest feels as if it might explode with feeling.

The scriptures teach us that God knows the beginning and the end. He is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. I wonder if that means He can go back and forth in time in some weird way. I hope that someday in my quest toward knowing everything, becoming all powerful and being everywhere all at once that I will be able to go back and revisit moments that have become powerful memories in my mind. It would be interesting revisiting different situations in my life from a newer more knowledgeable perspective. Did I act with integrity? Was I naïve? There are people who I loved to be with who I never got to keep in my life. There are people that stayed in my life longer than they should have.

Why the ache? 15 years ago should be fading out. 18 years ago should seem like another lifetime. But I get pushed back every so often and it’s like it was last night or this morning. Is this some sort of time travel? I am reliving little moments and now have the knowledge of how I could have lived better and the ache represents the loss that is mine? The knowledge of how I could have improved my life or someone else’s and now it’s too late?

Who knows. I’ll just keep reveling in the aches that produce pure joy. The crisp air that represent moments of peace. The lyrics that remind me of things I have done right. Ache away, little chest. I will live on and progress in spite of, or maybe because of, the swelling that comes and goes.


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Tori said...

Sometimes when I see a mailbox (you know the big blue ones by the post office) it reminds me of you, Brittany, and when I had come to visit your family one summer. We had gone up to Salem to visit the sites. You liked to follow your shadow, and it was great fun to watch you, especially when you kept running into the blue mailboxes cuz you were watching your shadow and not where you were going. I am not sure why I remember that, but I love that memory.

I also think of you while in a boat when there are any waves involved. Remember when in Hawaii we took the boat tour and at every wave we hit, you laughed out loud? You said the waves tickled. I love that memory.

Remember ....oh I could go on and on of the times when something reminds me of you and our few precious times together while we were growing up. I love you and my memories of you!

kara said...

That was nice to read. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who gets lost in my own memories. Reget, love, sadness frustration and joy, aren't we lucky to have alreday had such full lives!

Carrie Ann said...

Because I grew up with a dad who was in the retail business, I grew up wearing a plethora of perfumes. I wore different ones for each school year from about 5th grade on until I found my one true scent (Il Baccio). So each time I smell Anais Anais I am in 5th grade. Carolina Herrera, 6th grade. Chanel No.5, 8th grade. My chest aches sometimes too. Il Baccio reminds me of my friends who liked to wear it to. Caylix reminds me of you SO strongly! Everyone should have a scent. Coco Chanel said a girl without a signature scent is like a girl without a soul.