14 things I learned in New York this weekend and 6 things I already knew

1. SCBWI is a really hard name to say or spell or explain. And it’s really long, too. But it’s something one just learns to accept.

2. When attending a weekend conference, one does not have enough time to explore.



3. I don’t feel bad when ice skating in Rockefeller center my arms whip up and back as I fall, poking a girl in the eye. It is obviously a service on the sly since it allows her to milk it for all its worth as she and her beau and stand in the middle of the ice with people gliding around and round as they have a romantic moment, twinkle lights and flags of the world and sky scrapers encircling them on the starry night.



4. It’s worth it to be spontaneous.

5. It is worth it to treat yourself to a good breakfast.



6. Having a horrible sense of direction in a city equals lots of exercise. (Wear shoes that fit, Britt.)

7. I feel no guilt when it comes to taking advantage of having bakeries at every corner. (Especially coupled with my aforementioned sense of direction.)

8. I didn’t get the stomach bug after taking care of puking kids all week = miracles are still happening in the world.



9. Less is more when it comes to carrying stuff around in the city.

10. Sometimes you need to do something just because it sounds like a good idea.

11. I do feel bad when I’m running for a bus in China town on what happens to be the Chinese new year and my suitcase runs over a mom’s toe and as she stops to rub her toe with one hand and holds her child’s hand with the other, all I can do is turn and say, “I’m sorry!!” wishing I new how to say it in Chinese then turn back to keep on running.

12. My 12 year old is a great babysitter.

13. People can be really inspiring.  (Well, I already knew that.)



14. When I stop and look straight up to the top of a building, the clouds move so fast compared to the grounded and still building and it makes me dizzy.  Almost dizzy enough to fall over right in front of the speeding taxis and the carts full of warm, sweet nuts.




6 things I re-learned upon my arrival home

1. I love my family. Love and adore.

2. I need a new mattress. Badly.

3. I’m really allergic to cats.

4. I love books.

5. Having great girlfriends is so important! Thanks, Kirsti, for such a great weekend.

6. I am really thankful for a patient and supportive husband who happens to be a great dad, too. Thanks for knowing what I need and giving it to me, babe.

you turned three!

Dear Ones,


You are precious. I cried like 20 times today because you are driving me insane. But I still think you are precious, and I’m going to focus on that right now, and nothing else because I want to live a long and healthy life, not one in the loony bin. I’m going to focus on that because I want to feel love and joy and happiness and have lots of the good stuff in my memory bank.



Eden, you tell me that you love me about 78 times a day. You say it when you are happy and when you are sad. You say it when you are tired or when you have to go to the bathroom. But I don’t mind. Every time you say, “Mommy. I love you,” I say it right back. Because I do.

Last week at church I told you how the primary children were singing about Adam, the prophet, and how he lived in the Garden of Eden with Eve. Later you were so excited to tell your big brother and sisters! You said, “Adam and Eve and and and they lived…in the Garden…of ME!!!” I can’t stand your cuteness, you’re killing me.

You are so clever. Such a smart girl. And you love it when I have you repeat that; you say it with such joy and enthusiasm, you look as if you might burst: “I am smaaaart. I am beautiful. I am impoe-tant. I am looooooved. I am kind. I am divine…” You have really started to belt out the songs. You love music and sing constantly. You have quite a repertoire of songs stashed in that noggin. When you catch glimpse of yourself in the rear-view mirror of the car, you say, “Look, I have loooong hair.” It’s quite an accomplishment. When your sister gets shy meeting new people, you always smile and introduce her by her full, formal name.



My Jane-y Pot Pie. You have taken to nuzzling lately. You made up your own perfect word to go with it. You work your way into my body and say, “mommy, you so comfity.” As in comfort-y. It’s the sweetest thing.

You are thoughtful and sensitive and girly. You want to look pretty every day, and by pretty I mean that you want to wear a dress so you can dance. (Imagine dancing without a dress on…nope. You can’t do it; no dancing in pants.) Your favorite is Cannon in D and you ask for it by name, daily. Classical music calms you. You are protective of your sister and will do what you think you can to help her out when she is sad or upset. Even when she is in trouble and we are taking her to time out, you say, “Be nice to my sister.” You love her. You are very good at pretending. You take it seriously and even your older brother and sisters can’t help but join in, whether you are “shopping” or “sleeping.” Whether you are a princess or a baby or a mommy or a dog, we have no choice but to believe you.



You’ve been here with me for three years now. But I know that you have always been mine, and I yours, whether I remember it or not; we have always been family. You are part of me and it goes so deep that I know that you always have been part of me and you always will be. Even after we leave the earth at our individual moments, we will still be bound together forever. I can sense that bond with you girls and it is intense and steadfast. I wish there were better and more powerful words but for now all I can tell you is this: I love you completely, wholly and deeply. I love you like mad.

Always,
me

So very much has been going on around here. I find it hard to keep up and even harder coming here and writing it all down! There have been struggles and challenges and blessings and growth. Trips to the hospital, a funeral, family gatherings, birthdays…the ins and outs of a full life. And through it all I feel blessed. There are a lot of things that I have been thinking about that I will have to keep close to my heart for now. I don’t have time or energy, but here are a few tidbits for you…




As it came time to register for Squam Art Workshops (which I did!), Kelli contacted me about her story, which I was a part of and had totally forgotten about. It is a Squam story about never quite making it to Squam and how the feelings of Squam reached her anyway. It is a testament to the power of women and the good we can do for each other.  (And a testament about how awesome Elizabeth, director of SAW, is.) I like learning how she was taken care of by strangers reaching out. It is a good story, read it here.



Speaking of women and nurturing, my friend Vanessa asked me to participate in her series, Making Friends as a Grown Woman. It is an interesting topic and one I enjoyed pondering. Read some of my thoughts about my experience with friendships in social media and face-to-face friendships here.

pink

pink polka-dot pjs

Recently I thought of something that happened when I was probably 12 or so. (Now that I have a 12-year-old, I naturally think back a little more. I definitely felt older than she is.)

My family was in the car on our way home from somewhere and the conversation led to a coat of my mother’s. I said something like, “You should wear your pink coat.” I was referring to a ski coat that she had recently purchased and she said, “I don’t have a pink coat.” I tried to explain the coat and she said, “Oh. That’s not pink, it’s salmon.”

What? I didn’t know what she was talking about. Salmon? I thought this coat was really cute and I had paid extra attention. It was pink.

So for most of the ride home, back and forth we went.

Pink.

Salmon.

Pink.

Salmon.

When we arrived, the family dispersed in different directions, but both of us walked straight to the coat closet. I remember it very clearly. It was dusk, so the light was getting dim and we had mauve tile in the entryway (which could also be considered pink. A pink that I didn’t care for very much, if you must know.) I grabbed the doorknob and she reached into the closet and grabbed the coat. She held it out and we looked at it and with looks of triumph on our faces we both exclaimed at the same time, “SEE?!?”

What? How could we both be right?

I said, “It’s pink!”

She said, “It’s salmon!”

I looked away from the coat and into her face. It dawned on me that neither of us was wrong.



So, tell me what is the thought that just came to you? I’m interested in the different lessons we can learn from this story. You wanna write it in the comments? I love that a million different points could be made from one story.

grateful friday {AKA: an attempt to keep from going insane}

I am thankful that I have this guy to make me smile and help me feel warm and comforted.


 

december views

Behind me I heard little voices: "I love you, Princess."  "I love you, too, Ladybug." So I stopped what I was doing to take a picture.




She loved her play dough snow man.  She put a little face on it with a marker and then when I told her to show it to me so I could take a picture, she said, "No, I want to look at it like this."  And then she just sat there.  So I clarified, "You want me to take a picture of you looking at your snowman?" "Yep."  So I did.


Her little tree.  She's very proud.  My favorite part is the clown nose that is being used as an ornament.



His retired work clothes.




Disguised for an activity at the mall.  This cracks me up every time I look at it;)


She can peel a clementine in one long stringy thing.


This is my oldest daughter's: a vintage compact.  She found it at an antique store a while back and loves that it has a secret compartment.  I hid a secret love note in it.  Someday she will find it right when she needs it, I am sure. (Because Father blesses us like that--little stuff right when we need it.)


Jake brought home this big tupperware that held cookies in it from work.  This little munchkin fell in love with it.  After hanging out with him all day, she said on the way to bed, "Mommy, I want to sleep with my cookie.  I love that cookie."




Home made play dough.


Through the windshield.



Merry Christmas, friends!  And happy all the other stuff that's going on, too.

xx

this morning

waiting for the car to heat up

Tonight is the chorus/band concert at the elementary school. And I have been to 14 (FOURteen) of these hot and crowded events in the past 7 years. (Because I love my kids, silly.)

But tonight is the first one that I will attend while my child will be playing in the band. (The squeaky and adorable elementary school band.) That’s right; my son took up the trumpet. And I am impressed.

I am even more impressed that by 7AM this morning he had showered, dressed, *done his HAIR,*(<--he never does that!) and was wearing his coat and school bag and had already kissed daddy goodbye. He was 45 minutes early.



Well, I’m off to the post office. I need to make sure that I’m on time for the chorus/band concert and I have a feeling the lines are going to be loooooooooooooooooong with people holding all their last minute parcels. I have 7 hours. (Do you think a stroller will efficiently hold 2.5 year old twins in line while I have my arms loaded to the hilt? Hm. Thought not.)

december views

projecting movies onto the ceiling






lotion drawing while we wait

I am...

I am not what surrounds me. I am not happy because of you. I am not happy because of things. I am not my temper or my temperance. I am not the maker of a clean house or a messy room. I am not defined by the worst year of my life. I am not a failure. As long as I have another day, another hour, I can begin again.

I don’t have to be ashamed of my waffling back and forth; it is a human thing. We all get tired. We all get worn out. So instead of feeling apologetic for being tired, I will just lay down my weary self until I can stand tall again. Until I can take a breath and feel its renewing power inject heaven into every cell of my human form. Until I can open my eyes and see beauty again.

Because when I think about it, beauty is still surrounding me every day. It’s just harder to recognize when I am burdened.

The other day I felt like myself for the first time in months. It was like a veil had been lifted from my face and I could see myself clearly again. I remembered that I am whole. I am divine. I am a goddess in the making. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am important.

It made me cry.

Who have I been?

Where have I been?

I’m not even sure, but all I know is that I’ve been sick. And it gets really old. And I hate hearing about how old it’s getting from people who I love and depend on. And I have to stumble my way through life, feeling contrite at my shortcomings, feeling crestfallen that I am not doing, volunteering, raising my hand, standing on a soapbox, shouting to the world about love and beauty.

Well, now I remember what it feels like to be me. I’m not very far buried any more. I see that none of it is my fault. None of this characterizes me; I won’t let it define me. I will use it as an education.

I may have rested enough that I can stand up, take a breath and shake the devil off my back!

And now I wonder how many of you are like me? How many souls are out there wandering around with veiled faces, feeling regretful and disconcerted? Feeling hopeless and helpless?

There are answers hidden all around us.


Here is my anthem of the day:

Shake It Out by Florence + the Machine


Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

december views

I once was blind but now I see

I was trying to be like my friend Jolie and knit without looking. It worked! And as I was knitting without my eyes, my brain took me way back to when I worked at a bakery in SLC, Utah. I was rushing and there had been a long line non-stop and I was most likely acting like a robot because when the next man in line said, “I’d like a loaf of Honey Whole Wheat, please” I simply said, “It’s right on the shelf behind you.” I can’t remember what exactly happened next. Maybe I gave him further instructions, like say, “You know, half way down the shelf...right there…” Or maybe he asked me to get it for him and I heaved a heavy sigh. I can’t remember what exactly it was that led the people behind him in line to spell it out for me. “He can’t see.” They spoke slowly and clearly. It was like a slap in the face. I actually looked at the man standing in front of me and saw that, indeed, he was blind. I apologized profusely and scrambled around to get the loaf of bread. Then I folded all the bills in his change as he directed so he would recognize what they were when he pulled out his wallet at the next store…where the next person to serve him would have no problem noticing the details that add up to: blind man—help accordingly.




I’m sure I still don’t SEE a lot that is right in front of me. But I have recognized a lot of good, happy-making things this month that I am grateful for…