grateful friday {AKA: an attempt to keep from going insane}

I am thankful that I have this guy to make me smile and help me feel warm and comforted.


 

I woke up today and realized that it is November!

I love November. Not only is it my birth month (let’s hear it for the Scorpios!), but it is the month that reminds me again and again to focus on my blessings. To celebrate the good and be thankful for it.





It is a month that feels like winding down. And if there’s anything I need right now, it is a winding down. I’m on a search for stillness.



Isn’t it funny how we search for the things that are missing from our lives at that moment? At other times in my life I would never have been on a search for stillness. But here I am, seeking peace in a big way.



It’s the great balancing act.



So while I have been guilty of having a bit of a downer attitude about the big snow storm that left us wanting for power and Halloween, I woke up today realizing that there was another side to it. Last night, in the stillness of candlelight, we happily ate our pumpkin pancakes and danced to softly playing classical music. I realized that I was grateful for the forced quiet. For the snow day that allowed us to catch up and enjoy each other. For the generator that kept us with running water and a way to cook food and stay warm. I was grateful (for the millionth time) for my genius of a husband who takes care of us continually.



And even though I wish I were here on my blog more often and acting on all of my creative impulses, I am thankful for the two whipper-snappers who make it impossible. And I am thankful for the understanding that the day will come that I will have more time to dedicate to that and when that day is here, I will feel grateful for the time I spent with my children, struggling for balance. Because surely they give to me and I give to them and after all is said and done, I will have learned stuff that I couldn’t have learned any other way.

A birthday party picture story.

Thanks to everyone who helped me celebrate my beloved.

xo

Britt

(scanned instax "photobooth" shot)

when Spring decides to spring...

...she sure doesn't waist time fooling around.  I thought it would never happen and within a week, flowers are popping, grass is green and growing and perennials have grown anywhere from a few inches to a few feet.

And I am thankful.  I am loving every second of it.


dear bleeding hearts, a week ago you were just a twinkle in my eye


i'm not kidding--a week ago, this was bare mulch and flower-less rhodie

The little tinies even let me do some weeding and edging without bookin' it toward the street!  *hallelujia choir sounding in the background and beams of light shining upon me and my life*  It felt so good to dig in the dirt.


the rest of the garden doesn't look half this good, but that's okay.


flowering plum and purple violets all through the grass...so lovely.


In other news, yesterday Jake and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary.  (I know!  fif-TEEN?!?) He brought me this bouquet and I'm not one to care overly about flowers, but I can't get over this one.  It's just so stunning!  It's like she saw inside the flower-loving section of my soul and created this one just for me;)



I'm such a lucky girl.  I have such a happy marriage.  A good husband who I adore.

a love letter: this is my version of shouting it from the rooftops

Dear Valentine,

I don’t care what people say about love not lasting. Mine does; it has; it will continue. Don’t give me statistics about the possibility of failure or about how most marriages aren’t happy. I don’t care what they say about chemestry or lust or age.  None of it matters because this is you and me and our love and experience transcends any statistic or history.

I am committed to this. To us. To you. To you and me. You are committed and I know it because I can feel it. I took a leap of faith and threw all my eggs in one basket when I chose to wake up next to you and only you every day for the rest of my life and on into the eternities that we can only imagine. It’s the single best choice I’ve ever made. It has effected every second of every day and will continue to make everything better forever more.



Because of you.



I owe you my happiness. I owe you everything I have, everything I am. All my joy.

If the whole world came crashing down around me tonight, I would never be able to deny the truth that love heals. Love makes us better. Love changes everything. Your love has made me into something more that what I was on my own.

Our love is stronger than all our faults put together. Stronger than any temptations. Our love is stronger than any failure.

When we were about to get married I remember someone talking about how they loved their spouse more after years of marriage than they did on their wedding day. I couldn’t imagine the thought of loving you more; I already loved you more than my soul could contain. But now I think I understand what they meant a little better. Our love has become an old love. Something deep and multifaceted. Something complex and simple all at once. Something that surpasses hormones and disaster or joy and excitement. It is steady and strong and ever-present. 

I. Love. You.

Always,

Your Valentine

grateful friday : medicine rain

As I help my first-grader with her homework, nothing I say is right. I try everything I can, every tone of voice, but no matter what is said or how it’s said, she is defensive and angry with me. I ignore her rudeness and take a deep, cleansing breath and try once more.

Nope.

As I begin the negative-talk inside my head about how I must be a horrible mother who makes her children feel bad about themselves, my brain rushes me to the past. Suddenly I am in southern Utah.

The bon fire filled the desert night with brightness, making the stars hard to see. There were people all around and they were focusing on me. I hate when lots of people are focusing on me. It makes me feel like hiding. I struggle to keep myself from running.


What would they see in me? This was my Naming Ceremony and they had thought about me and my qualities, my good and my bad; my strengths and my weaknesses. They had each thought about what I brought to the world and the people I come into contact with. I was a councilor to kids who needed help and understanding. Did I make a difference or did I leave The Field worrying about their struggles and trials every week for nothing?


The person I loved most in the world was in front of me. He looked like a desert nomad and I loved the ghost bead necklace and the shaggy hair and beard. My heart went soft and I struggled to focus on the words he was saying.


Medicine Rain. I am healing and wise. I am nourishing and life giving. I am like a medicine man of old, full of wisdom that heals those who need healing. I am like the medicine that goes into a body and fights the bad stuff hard enough that the body can heal. I am like water, hydrating all that is living and thirsty allowing life to flourish and grow. I am like the rain that falls from the sky and reaches everything, cleansing it and leaving it fresh and new.

My name is Medicine Rain. I am healing and wise. I am nourishing and life giving. I am gentle and kind.

I am back in my kitchen, the light casting its artificial yellow light through the room and the rain is coming down loudly outside. My darling girl sits working with a frown and a pencil with an eraser that has been all used up. She must be having a bad moment. I love her and she knows it.




I feel blessed that someone I trust with my life told me about myself. I’m grateful that he saw those things in me and told me about them. I’m happy that I choose him every day and I feel blessed that he still chooses me.

14

How interesting.  I thought I posted this little ditty way back when.  I was thinking about the moment I realized that I was in trouble.  Trouble, but that I was past the point of caring or trying to change it.  I was in love with this guy.  And it came as such a surprise.  Caught me so off guard.  Hit me upside the head and I cried frustrated, hot tears thinking, "How did this happen?  Now I have to say goodbye to someone I'm in love with!" Because that's obviously what happens.  You end up getting your heart hurt and say goodbye.  But I never did say goodbye.  Instead, fourteen years ago today, we sealed the deal on consistent hellos.

Distraught and

looking for comfort

You

are the only thought that

brings peace

As I walk along the street

I look down and watch the

sand make a border

that separates the pavement

from the grass

my heavy soul

the grey sky

the raw wind

I look up
into the distance

and recognize

you

coming to me

my heart leaps

my soul rejoices

I float to you

with no cares

and realize

I am in love

Thanks for making me one happy girl.  I love you, babe.

today

Today I put the babies in their new little fleece teddy bear snuggie suits and we all went to Sams Club. It was really cold so I was thankful for those little hoodies (with the ears on top to make them cute as all get out) because they couldn’t pull them off their little bald heads. (It took us a long time to get anywhere because people kept stopping me to talk about how cute my little twin teddy bears were. Then they would try to get the little teddies to smile, but the little teddies have a secret pact to never smile at strangers.) When we were walking out after making our purchases, the woman checking my receipt smelled like 3rd grade. Just standing next to her made me feel like I was in elementary school again.

Today I ate chocolate chip cookies and tasted comfort.

Today I listened to a random selection of songs. One of them was Longer by Dan Folgelberg and while I sang as loud as I could I remembered listening to this song when I was a child, sitting by my parents’ stereo and feeling love. I feel blessed for having the kind of love that I knew was waiting for me.

Today my ankle ached from twisting it yesterday. That’s right, I twisted it and fell. It was ridiculous.

Today I kissed my kids goodnight after coming home from being somewhere special and I whispered into their ears while they slept. Things like: Mommy loves you. You’re my favorite. I love you the most. Dream about happy things.

Today I had a million things to do. The babies were very fussy and my 10 year old was home sick and I had a really bad headache. I didn’t get a million things done. But I’m okay with that. I’m going to bed and I feel blessed and lucky and happy and spent.

i thought it was monday today

but it's tuesday.

i think i missed a day in there somewhere.

anyway, I was just going to say that it was Jake's birthday. (on sunday)

and that he's so great.

and that I feel lucky.

yesterday

waiting for the school bus


So yesterday was the last day of school. I know. Crazy.

It was rainy and chilly/humid and I was tired. So I decided to rent a movie On Demand.

It got paused about 678 times and took like 5 hours to finish it and when it was finally over, I felt yucky.

Here’s the deal: it was He’s Just Not That Into You and while funny and witty with an all-star cast, it left the impression that marriage was a joke. Worthless and a silly notion. This isn’t the only movie I’ve seen recently that left that impression. And it’s not just the movies either.

So here’s a call out; an invitation. To all you happily married folks.

Talk about it.

Write about it.

Sing about it.

Make movies about it.

Marriage is awesome. For those of us that work at it and choose each other every day. For the people that are still madly in love after years and years of marriage. For the lucky and blessed women with husbands who express love and affection and support (and vise versa). For the couples who remember that the other is human and prone to bad days/weeks/years and deserves forgiveness.

Being married to my husband has brought such indescribable happiness. He has made me a better person. He has made my bad days better. He drives me insane trying to get a reaction when he tickles me (I bore 5 children for him to tickle. Doesn’t that give me a get out of tickles free card?)