Sunday, December 11, 2011

I am...

Rockin out while I clean the kitchen in my jammies: feels good

I am not what surrounds me. I am not happy because of you. I am not happy because of things. I am not my temper or my temperance. I am not the maker of a clean house or a messy room. I am not defined by the worst year of my life. I am not a failure. As long as I have another day, another hour, I can begin again.

I don’t have to be ashamed of my waffling back and forth; it is a human thing. We all get tired. We all get worn out. So instead of feeling apologetic for being tired, I will just lay down my weary self until I can stand tall again. Until I can take a breath and feel its renewing power inject heaven into every cell of my human form. Until I can open my eyes and see beauty again.

Because when I think about it, beauty is still surrounding me every day. It’s just harder to recognize when I am burdened.

The other day I felt like myself for the first time in months. It was like a veil had been lifted from my face and I could see myself clearly again. I remembered that I am whole. I am divine. I am a goddess in the making. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am important.

It made me cry.

Who have I been?

Where have I been?

I’m not even sure, but all I know is that I’ve been sick. And it gets really old. And I hate hearing about how old it’s getting from people who I love and depend on. And I have to stumble my way through life, feeling contrite at my shortcomings, feeling crestfallen that I am not doing, volunteering, raising my hand, standing on a soapbox, shouting to the world about love and beauty.

Well, now I remember what it feels like to be me. I’m not very far buried any more. I see that none of it is my fault. None of this characterizes me; I won’t let it define me. I will use it as an education.

I may have rested enough that I can stand up, take a breath and shake the devil off my back!

And now I wonder how many of you are like me? How many souls are out there wandering around with veiled faces, feeling regretful and disconcerted? Feeling hopeless and helpless?

There are answers hidden all around us.

Here is my anthem of the day:

Shake It Out by Florence + the Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn


jill nalette said...

brittany my dear, i so wish i could hug you right now( i will via universe) i too have my own set of "stuff" that i'm working through. i do know it will pass. this song is awesome and so are you!!
xo and smiles~ jill

Shelley said...

{hugs}. Love the dancing your heart out photos btw.

kirsten said...

i REALLY understand this. truly. thanks for the pep talk!

My name is Lauren said...

Oh boy. This made me cry. In a good & bad way...If that makes sense. LOVE the dancing pictures! I love to get my groove on, too. :) Thanks for the great post!

Crissy said...

I feel, recognize & empathasize with you here! I've been swimming in a hole too and really want to get out. I'm working' on it. Thank you for speaking up. xoxo
P.s. I saw your artwork at the Wish Studio and said, "oh look, it's Brittany! I love the self-portrait kissing one. Your work is so deeply reflective and soulful.

Anonymous said...

Such a real and emotional post. Ya know, I love the crafty blogs, and the pretty photograph blogs; but it's the select few blogs I have stumbled upon that are about real life; real problems; from real women; resounding with real hope, that lift my spirits, and help shake my devil off my back.
Cheers and Blessings

Dani said...

Found you via Amy Gretchen. Or maybe some other divine intervention. Just wanted to thank you for this post. I have had depression going on five years now and just adopted a new anthem thanks to you. Used to be grey street by Dave Matthews. Maybe I can find some renewed sense of hope in your anthem. Love your pictures.