I am a pretty quiet person. As I have said before, and will say again, I am a peace seeker. I am pretty shy until I know you really well, and even then, if I am the center of several peoples’ attention, I feel very uncomfortable. Like when the candles are in front of me and everyone is singing that one song and snapping pictures, well, I’d like to hide under the table. I am a pretty good mom, if I do say so myself. I am a loving, and nurturing person, and I make a concerted effort to show love and acceptance to my children. I compliment them constantly. I am not telling you this to toot my own horn, but simply wondering if I undo the good aspects of my personality when my Nemesis overcomes me. Do I undo the love? Kinda like the Incredible Hulk, when all the sudden everything becomes too much and he turns green and huge and his clothes rip off and he goes on a rampage. Because sometimes at the end of the day I am tired. I have had enough. I need my peace back. And children never…NEVER want to go to sleep. When there have been too many people crying and whining and clinging and giving me unreasonable requests, there comes a point when my Nemesis takes over. No more Missy Nicegal. My voice becomes deeper and louder, and sometimes shouts escape my throat. My eyebrows move together into a furrow. My lips become a tight line with my jaw clenched. My chin moves toward my chest and the fingers become rigid, moving between fists and finger pointing. My hair is usually stringy at this point, and make up smudged giving the face a tired and evil cast. Instead of a loving mother, the Nemesis puts the children to bed. It’s sometimes as if they can’t go to sleep until the Nemesis has said goodnight in a gruff and final voice. I feel her coming on, and I push her back any way I can. Sometimes my voice is so fake and singsong I roll my eyes at myself. But I have survived the Nemesis for a few more moments. But I don’t win the fight every night. And when the Nemesis has put the children to bed, she stomps down the stairs and mutters to herself for several minutes. Then after several cleansing breaths and moments alone, the heart rate resumes, the fists slacken, the lips relax and the eyebrows rest above the eyes again. The Nemesis has relinquished her claim over me and I realize that my children have said goodnight to her instead of me. What if they get us confused? Did she destroy their healthy self esteems and soft innocence? Did she say anything that I would never dream of saying? Did she make them feel sad right before they enter dreamland? I hate the Nemesis.
A letter to Lottie
3 hours ago