It’s the greyest and rainiest day. And I feel great. I am standing in the middle of such an enormous mess. I am dirty and I need a shower.
But, by golly, wouldn’t you know it? (I don’t ever remember saying “by golly” but it seems that today it fits.) It’s the first day that I feel clear in so long! I feel hopeful and even though I have a lot of work to do, all the sudden I feel capable of doing it.
When I feel blue I get quiet because I don’t want to be that downer kind of girl. The complainer. Because I know things are supposed to be fine. I know I am blessed and there is no reason to feel so badly.
I’ve had people tell me that I blame my ADD for things that I shouldn’t. That I lean on it a little or make it into an excuse.
Now I’m realizing that the people who have made that assumption don’t have ADD.
I’m not trying to say that every time I’m down it’s because of my neurons misfiring; I’ve had a lot that I’ve been dealing with lately. Stuff that I’ve wanted to share here but can’t for whatever reason. One big reason is because literally EVERY time I sit down at the computer, when I return my awareness to my surroundings, something has been trashed. My folded laundry has been thrown about; the toilet water has somehow found itself covering the bathroom floor, rug and my babies’ clothes; the food pantry has been invaded and its contents been trod upon; someone has started screaming for whatever reason; I have to break up a fight; the cat food has been dumped out; the kitty litter has been scooped by a two-year-old (yikes!!!); you.name.it.
Even right now. I have left the computer while typing this at least a dozen times.
It’s simply exhausting.
You might be thinking, Brittany, why do you have five children? That is a good question to which I don’t have a cut and dry answer, and I’m simply not willing to go there. I am accepting that as part of my plan; part of how my life is supposed to be, and I’m ready to figure it all out in the middle of chaos.
Moving on. I was just considering why I feel better today and I think there are several reasons.
I’ve been sick and I feel a lot better today. Tired, but much better. (Someone unplugged the monitor so I have no idea if the babies woke up crying in the night and I am grateful that no one was vomiting their guts out like the previous night because I would have had no idea. I realized at about 7:00 that that fuzz I was hearing was just plain fuzz, not the fan in the babies’ room.)
Another reason: a while back my doc cut my ADD meds in half because my blood pressure went up. All is balanced and today I went back on the full dose. Just knowing that I was going back on the full dose lifted my spirits! Just the knowledge that I wouldn’t be completely overwhelmed for my entire day was such a relief!
That’s when I realized that if there is judgment from well-meaning lovely people, it is simply because they don’t understand the constant never ending battle of ADD. I am well aware of the bad rap that ADD gets and I wish I could wad it all up like a piece of trash and throw it in the garbage. Kick it to the curb.
I think I’ve babbled enough for today. All I meant to say is that I feel lighter. I feel hopeful.
And that feels good.
13 comments:
i'm glad you're feeling better. and you seem like a wonderful woman to me, ADD included. :)
This felt very familiar - even if I don't have ADD. It's kind of how I felt yesterday morning. Like someone plugged me in again. I had the audacity to feel like I could keep up with life again somehow...
You know, we have five kidzz too - AND one in tumm. And sometimes I ask myself, "what in the heck?" But really, they have taught me everything good - lessons I can't even put into words. Even the chaos is a teacher.
I think you are awesome. Hopefully, you'll keep feeling UP. Keep on.
britt, i'm so interested in what you've said here. my experience w/ADD has always been as a teacher of children. this component of feeling overwhelmed by things is new to me...yet could explain many behaviors i see exhibited in students. i would love to read a post from your perspective about the specifics of ADD, if you don't feel it would be too expository or personal. i feel like it would help me be a better teacher if i perhaps had a bit more insight into the disorder.
Brittany,
Love you just the way you are! Keep coming back to the computer, it seems to be a kind of therapy for you and for the rest of us who read and enjoy it. Hugs, Sue :)
I don't think I have ADD but I'm pretty sure that motherhood cannot be good for it...but, on the other hand, motherhood is great for the human condition. I'm glad you're a mom, and a good one - even with the ADD!
I'm with Andrea. I want your perspective. I'm guessing you have a kid with it too???- I have a kid with ADHD and she's amazing in so many ways but we are having med issues- she's 8. Her teacher and I agree she is unbearable without them. But she thinks they make her boring. And her father the ex husband who also has ADHD likes to be contrary and thinks she doesn't need the drugs. So she can turn out awesome like him???
However, I have to say people with ADHD may have some issues but they also truly have a gift of genius, creativity, thinking in different ways, and I'd love to know how to harvest my hard-to-parent but truly amazing child. Every day I nearly tear my hair out but get the gift of looking at the world through her gorgeous, unique eyes.
Love your blog Brittany.
okay girls, I'll start working on trying to explain ADD from my perspective. I think it's a good idea, too, because it's hard to understand how other people's brains work. because, you know...they aren't yours. :)
oops, that was me, above. My buddy Audria signed in on my computer last night:) Audria could probably write a book. a whole book. Or maybe a series. She doesn't have ADD, but she teaches kids who have that and much, much more. a saint, I tell you, a saint.
wow. i sooooooo get you. wait, are you me? wait, where are my keys and is that a chicken? very glad i found this blog. i will definitely read old posts and follow you. soooo get it.
Hi Brittany, I've never commented before and you don't know me. Your sister Brooke is married to my cousin. My daughter (6) was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I love reading what you write about it because my husband has it as well. I'm trying to learn all I can so that I can help be a better mom to my amazingly creative daughter. Thanks for your honesty!
Andrea Knapton
I very much FEEL, what you are explaining in your candid post. Children are exhausting. The house is never clean, and having to take meds cuz if you don't you cant really function or be a good mother, takes a guilty toll on bad days. "To everything there is a Season" The Bible (and the 60's group The Bryds!) says. As a stay at homer and mother of 4 little ones, I tell myself, "its supposed to be hard, and won't always be this way". Thank you for being honest
"It’s the greyest and rainiest day. And I feel great. I am standing in the middle of such an enormous mess. I am dirty and I need a shower.
But, by golly, wouldn’t you know it? (I don’t ever remember saying “by golly” but it seems that today it fits.) It’s the first day that I feel clear in so long! I feel hopeful and even though I have a lot of work to do, all the sudden I feel capable of doing it.
When I feel blue I get quiet because I don’t want to be that downer kind of girl. The complainer. Because I know things are supposed to be fine. I know I am blessed and there is no reason to feel so badly."
I don't think I have ADD but these words touched home for me. Thank you for making me realize I'm not the only person in the world to feel like this.
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