It’s the greyest and rainiest day. And I feel great. I am standing in the middle of such an enormous mess. I am dirty and I need a shower.
But, by golly, wouldn’t you know it? (I don’t ever remember saying “by golly” but it seems that today it fits.) It’s the first day that I feel clear in so long! I feel hopeful and even though I have a lot of work to do, all the sudden I feel capable of doing it.
When I feel blue I get quiet because I don’t want to be that downer kind of girl. The complainer. Because I know things are supposed to be fine. I know I am blessed and there is no reason to feel so badly.
I’ve had people tell me that I blame my ADD for things that I shouldn’t. That I lean on it a little or make it into an excuse.
Now I’m realizing that the people who have made that assumption don’t have ADD.
I’m not trying to say that every time I’m down it’s because of my neurons misfiring; I’ve had a lot that I’ve been dealing with lately. Stuff that I’ve wanted to share here but can’t for whatever reason. One big reason is because literally EVERY time I sit down at the computer, when I return my awareness to my surroundings, something has been trashed. My folded laundry has been thrown about; the toilet water has somehow found itself covering the bathroom floor, rug and my babies’ clothes; the food pantry has been invaded and its contents been trod upon; someone has started screaming for whatever reason; I have to break up a fight; the cat food has been dumped out; the kitty litter has been scooped by a two-year-old (yikes!!!); you.name.it.
Even right now. I have left the computer while typing this at least a dozen times.
It’s simply exhausting.
You might be thinking, Brittany, why do you have five children? That is a good question to which I don’t have a cut and dry answer, and I’m simply not willing to go there. I am accepting that as part of my plan; part of how my life is supposed to be, and I’m ready to figure it all out in the middle of chaos.
Moving on. I was just considering why I feel better today and I think there are several reasons.
I’ve been sick and I feel a lot better today. Tired, but much better. (Someone unplugged the monitor so I have no idea if the babies woke up crying in the night and I am grateful that no one was vomiting their guts out like the previous night because I would have had no idea. I realized at about 7:00 that that fuzz I was hearing was just plain fuzz, not the fan in the babies’ room.)
Another reason: a while back my doc cut my ADD meds in half because my blood pressure went up. All is balanced and today I went back on the full dose. Just knowing that I was going back on the full dose lifted my spirits! Just the knowledge that I wouldn’t be completely overwhelmed for my entire day was such a relief!
That’s when I realized that if there is judgment from well-meaning lovely people, it is simply because they don’t understand the constant never ending battle of ADD. I am well aware of the bad rap that ADD gets and I wish I could wad it all up like a piece of trash and throw it in the garbage. Kick it to the curb.
I think I’ve babbled enough for today. All I meant to say is that I feel lighter. I feel hopeful.
And that feels good.