Sunday, March 13, 2011

remorse



remorse

A couple weeks ago I woke up thinking about a man who I love. He made such a positive impact on my life. He guided me through a time in my life when I was limp and directionless and angry. He gave me counsel and it was good counsel.



He saw me.



He saw what I needed and gave it to me without any expectations.

I couldn’t get him out of my head. I was going to see his daughter at church and I would tell her what an impact he had made on my life and what a powerful example he is to me. I would tell her how much I love him. I would ask how he is doing.

Church came and went and I was so wrapped up in my mommy duties that it never happened.

Over the next week he popped into my head over and over. I thought about his huge hands and how he is like my personal giant. I made my children shake his hand and notice how tiny their hands seemed compared to his. I thought about his consuming hugs that were enveloping and safe. One time after one of his hugs, I saw Jake later in the day and he knew exactly who I had been hugged by because his smell lingered on me. We both giggled and talked about him affectionately.

Another week came and went and I didn’t get in touch with him or his family.

Yesterday I found out that he had died suddenly.

I am so heartbroken. I can’t stop thinking of his beautiful family and wishing I could offer some kind of comfort.

I am so sad that I never acted on my promptings.

It may sound heartless to some, but in times of death I am usually saddened, but I also feel such peace and happiness because of my belief that they are in a place of progression and joy. I have always found it easy to move past the sadness into a kind of celebration for their life.

But right now, I feel undone and ashamed. I feel such painful regret that I didn’t let him know that I saw him, too. I let him down.


8 comments:

the wrath of khandrea said...

oh brit. one thing i have learned over the past 7 1/2 months is that these two worlds we exist in and we believe in are far more intertwined than i ever thought. i truly believe this man knows, without a doubt, how you feel. take peace in that.

Annie said...

Delurking to say two things. (Hi!)

First, I'm so sorry for your loss and sadness.

Second, Andrea said exactly what I was going to: he knows how you feel. He does. Those promptings might have also been to bless *you* with some moments of pure appreciation for him before he passed away, whether or not you expressed them aloud.

b_maria_why said...

oh honey...don't beat yourself up too much. you are one busy mommy and we can never know when someone will leave us. our day to day lives give us the sensation that there is plenty of time. you really did not do anything "wrong". promise. do you really think he'd want you to feel the way you're feeling right now? really?

Emma Jo said...

Everyone is so wise. I am sorry that you are sad but I am grateful for your perspective, and honesty.

Ron D said...

You know what he would say to you about what you are feeling....

brittany said...

Thank you, kind souls. Your comments helped indeed.

xox

Steph said...

Sending you hugs Brittany...

xox

Carrie Ann said...

Bless you, I am sorry. The same thing happened to me, I was prompted many, many times to write a lady whom I loved and who taught me to love the scriptures. She passed away without my telling her how much her example meant to me. Then years later I read that story about a young lady who made a tie for President Kimball, but who wanted to chicken out when Camilla, his wife, answered the door. Sister Kimball counseled that young lady to "never suppress a generous thought" and that has helped me over the years. I know what a compulsively kind and complimentary person you are. I am sorry you feel like you missed this important opportunity, but I know you, and I know you do not hold back on saying or doing generous things for others. I love you.