A couple weeks ago I woke up thinking about a man who I love. He made such a positive impact on my life. He guided me through a time in my life when I was limp and directionless and angry. He gave me counsel and it was good counsel.
He saw me.
He saw what I needed and gave it to me without any expectations.
I couldn’t get him out of my head. I was going to see his daughter at church and I would tell her what an impact he had made on my life and what a powerful example he is to me. I would tell her how much I love him. I would ask how he is doing.
Church came and went and I was so wrapped up in my mommy duties that it never happened.
Over the next week he popped into my head over and over. I thought about his huge hands and how he is like my personal giant. I made my children shake his hand and notice how tiny their hands seemed compared to his. I thought about his consuming hugs that were enveloping and safe. One time after one of his hugs, I saw Jake later in the day and he knew exactly who I had been hugged by because his smell lingered on me. We both giggled and talked about him affectionately.
Another week came and went and I didn’t get in touch with him or his family.
Yesterday I found out that he had died suddenly.
I am so heartbroken. I can’t stop thinking of his beautiful family and wishing I could offer some kind of comfort.
I am so sad that I never acted on my promptings.
It may sound heartless to some, but in times of death I am usually saddened, but I also feel such peace and happiness because of my belief that they are in a place of progression and joy. I have always found it easy to move past the sadness into a kind of celebration for their life.
But right now, I feel undone and ashamed. I feel such painful regret that I didn’t let him know that I saw him, too. I let him down.