the good, the bad and the powder (my gosh, the POWDER!)

The Good:

-Two four year olds laughing and having fun together
-The fact that a friend was over helped me to laugh instead of yell



The Bad:

-two four year olds being mischievous together
-powder is difficult to clean up




The Powder:

I was doing the dishes and they giggled and ran into the kitchen. When I turned around they were standing in a cloud. I saw the footprints and looked a little closer and they were literally covered head to toe. When I gasped they looked at me with innocent eyes and said, “what?” I told them they had to stay outside for a while and they asked, “why?” Then they giggled and said, “at least the bugs won’t like us.” “yeah, they’ll think we smell disgusting!”



those aren't tights

grow

There has been growth here lately. Physical, mental, spiritual and emotional. I don’t know if I can put it into coherent thoughts, let alone words here, but I have sensed changes. It is going on around me, but this blog is about me...

I feel like I can look back and remember when being a mother was ridiculously hard. And now its not. When did that happen? When did I start enjoying this crazy ride? I used to feel constantly overwhelmed and like life wasn’t fair because being a mother was so much harder than I thought it was supposed to be. And here I am watching them grow and it feels like time is flying by. I am enjoying them and their cute little silly ways. I can appreciate their personalities and all their questions. I am learning so much from them now.

I feel like marriage used to be so much work. I have always been head over heels over my man, but it took a lot of compromise and apologizing and changing. Now it feels natural. I don’t mind things that used to be difficult. It feels so lovely and natural to be his wife.

I used to feel stopped before I even got started, but today it feels like the sky is my limit. Like all doors are open to me, and I probably would have felt frustrated that I wasn’t in each room all at once a little while back, but lately I’ve been okay with the way that I can go through one door and see all kinds of possibilities and then go through another door and I have all the possibilities from the last room still with me. It’s like I am happy to wander through and take it all in and know that there’s plenty of room for all the goodness. I have possibility oozing out all over the place and it’s hard to stop it from spreading.

Is it because the sun is out? Is it because the peepers are so darn loud at night? Is it that the cycle of life has started fresh and all the plants are popping out of the dirt that was barren just weeks ago? Is it because my children are getting older and I have moments to myself? Is it because I have been a mother for almost 9 years and a wife for almost 12 and it’s about time that I started feeling at home here? Is it because of answers to prayer? Is it because my level of commitment to God has deepened and intensified? Is it because I have had to look deeper because of disappointments beyond my control? Is it because I turned 32? Is it because I have good examples surrounding me?

I’m not sure. But what I do know is that I am more content than ever. I do know that I’ve felt growth. I do know that I still have plenty of moments when I’m frustrated and when life still feels hard, but it feels more balanced somehow. So here’s to busting out…

runner's high

There are several factors that contributed to my very first runner’s high. I’d like to acknowledge them here and now…

1. My husband who made me feel brave by telling me after running 7 miles this morning that “after running toward death for the first couple miles, your body just gets in the groove; it wasn’t that hard.” *please note that when he started his run it was only 30 degrees outside – that really does feel like running toward death just in case you were wondering.
2. Thinking about my hero, Kara who can run 7 minute miles while pushing her two littles in a stroller.
3. Feeling the pressure of the half marathon that is only one month away that Jake signed us up for—I haven’t been training very hard and it shows.
4. The weather was beautiful and sunny (by the time I started my run it was 45 degrees and climbing), the birds were chirping (although I couldn’t hear them very well with my headphones on), and I noticed that more things are starting to bloom.
5. I got into my “running gear” and for the first time decided to use my fuel belt which I’ve decided that I adore. There is a little pocket for “fuel” (in my case, double chocolate Gu that my family thinks is a sin because it contains caffeine (doesn’t ALL chocolate?)) and ended up holding my wedding rings when my fingers swelled after a few miles. It held my ipod steady and the little baby water bottles were the perfect size and shape.
6. I was a little late getting started and realized that I only had an hour and 15 minutes before I had to be at the school to pick up my son. So I put on the timer on my ipod and decided to go as far as I could in 35 minutes and then turn back for home.
7. Amsterdam by Guster is my power song. It gives me a bolt of energy every time and sets my pace and lengthens my stride
8. When my timer said “35:08” it was a straight-a-way and I could see the stop sign that if I made it to would mean that my loop would be 7 miles. So I went for it and made it in 3 minutes. It meant that I was going to have to book it home - six minutes can make a big difference in my life.
9. The fact that my 8 year old made me put High School Musical on my ipod—when I heard Troy singing “Bet On It” it made me giggle and put me in an even better mood. I flew down that hill imagining Troy dancing on that golf course in New Mexico. Who knew something so cheesy would come in handy at such a time?
10. My mailman passed me twice and gave me a hearty thumbs up (the first time he passed me I was 3 miles away from my house).
11. I prayed when I got to the last mile that I could run swiftly so I wouldn’t be late for my boy (and by extension, my girl).
12. My neighbor passed me to go to the kindergarten pick up line when I still had a half mile left.
13. A couple houses down from my house there was one of those things that the police set up to show you how fast you’re going and it suddenly flashed my speed “5” (wow, I’m going really slow) “6…7” (that’s better…almost. home. so. tired) “…5”
14. Home: 7 miles, 1 hour 12 minutes, first runner’s high - can’t wait to do it again!

the faith of my boy

My son is a spiritual giant at six years old. He keeps me on the straight and narrow. He has started asking deep and thoughtful questions and has a simple solution to his problems: prayer.

The other week his friend had given him a folder and it became one of those favored items – you know the ones. He draws a lot and he was putting his drawings in the folder. When the folder disappeared he enlisted me on his search high and low. We looked for about 30 minutes and then I got a phone call. I told him I was going to take a break from searching while I talked to my sister. Not five minutes later he showed up with the folder in hand and said, “I found it because I prayed. Then my legs just led me there!” I asked him to tell me more and he said that after he had said his prayer, he decided to follow his legs. He started walking and then “they wanted to turn this way, then they wanted to walk over here…” Sure enough, his “legs led him” straight to where the folder was sitting in a pile of papers on the shelf.

The simplicity of this hits me over and over again. While at first I doubted that his legs would drive him as an answer to prayer, as I contemplated it, I started to see his innocence and simple unquestioning faith. He hasn’t started doubting himself yet. He hasn’t started questioning if this is indeed an answer to prayer or his own mind. He understands that God answers spirit to spirit and he is willing to listen in ways that don’t make sense to those of us who have made a lot of messes by questioning anything and everything.

Last night he said to me, “I know what the ‘still small voice’ sounds like.” I said, “Oh, you do? What does it sound like?” He told me that he’d heard it, that it’s not as small as he thought it would be and it will say things like, “don’t do that.” He said that he will look around or ask me if I said something to him, but come to find out that there isn’t anyone around him, and he knows it is the Holy Ghost.

Question this if you may, but I have learned through talking to many people that the Holy Spirit does indeed speak to each person who will listen, and He speaks to them in a way that they will understand it individually. There are as many ways to get answers to prayer as there are personalities. So maybe my boy needs a loud voice, not so still and small. Maybe he needs a little pull physically to guide him to his answers. I think it’s beautiful and simple. I hope that someday my legs will lead me where I need to go because I asked God to guide me. I pray that someday I can become like my innocent boy and stop questioning if that was my mind or a still small voice of guidance.

sweet pea, apple of my eye

Four years ago today
my life was
changed forever

Waking from the drugs
she was placed in my
trembling
weak arms

My daughter
feisty, strong
and ready to live



She seems to like a good cry
and that’s okay
I guess I do too

Sometimes
she just needs some lovin
Okay, most times



When I’m alone with her
things are easy
we understand each other

She’s the cause of
dark circles under my eyes
and stress in my stomach

She’s the cause of
bursting joy
and quiet contentment



She has made me stronger
She has helped me grow
She has shown me myself

How is that possible?
That someone else can teach you
who you are?
and what you are capable of?



I used to think
mothers
were here to teach
their children

She has taught me
that it’s the other way
around